A Dance Of Monsters And Men
by The Queen of dragons
Summary: "Compassion does not make a good warrior, action does. Save it for your fellow warriors but spare none for your enemies." He'd been taught that his whole life but had never been good at it. And now he was more lost than ever, hiding with a soldier who could turn on him at any moment. So why not leave? Maybe it's because; in a way, they understand each other.
1. Promises

Author's note: Why, hello there dear readers, my name is Anya. If you have any questions, issues, or thoughts, feel free to contact me. Now that's out of the way, I would like to tell you some things about my story.

1\. I'm an amateur writer so I might suck, if I do please tell me. However, the fact that I am inexperienced does not mean that I know nothing. I hate clichés and strive to avoid them at all costs. I also wish to subvert many common tropes.

2\. What Reiner did will NOT be sugar coated. I mean, come on. Out of the three of them, what he did was the worst.

3\. No creepy/abusive relationship stuff. This ain't Twilight.

4\. No Mary Sues, I'm well aware that my OC is not a Mary Sue. And for the love of god, she will never become a titan shifter. But if you think that she is a flat character please inform me.

5\. No McGuffins or deus ex machinas.

6\. My plan is to have about 35-45 chapters. The rating may change to M. And lastly, if I do ever abandon this; I will tell you instead of leaving everyone in the dark. Although it is highly unlikely that I would do so.

Author's note 2: I changed a few important plot points.

The promise

* * *

Agony, pure unadulterated agony. That was the only thing she felt as yellowed teeth sank deeper into her shoulder. Her mind in shambles; she watched the color of her skin fade with every drop of blood lost. The young soldier's uniform had become disgustingly warm and wet from being dyed the rancid crimson, a stark contrast to the lifeless chill of the girl wearing it. And the deeper the titan clamped into her flesh, the more of that girl's life seeped away with it.

Attempting to free herself; she contorted her body to the side. Pulling her hips out from beneath the titan, only to have the beast's large hand slam her to the floor. Within seconds, the pressure from the titan's iron grip cracked her ribs. Bringing a new level of torture to this nightmare.

Alone; she cried out for help. Hoping her that comrades would hear her and somehow make it in time. With her gear and blades in pieces, she had no way of slaying the titan. For now all she could do was try and keep this diminutive excuse of a titan from killing her.

The beast tore its teeth further into her shoulder. Blood profusely streamed from the wound. Soaking the soldier's hair in a pool of her own blood. She screamed out in agony and anger. She clawed and kicked but the titan's grip never wavered.

It was starting to look like the end. And this was the part usually where most would accept their fate. But in that moment she decided that today was not her day.

Yes, she was terrified to no end. Yet amidst that terror something snapped inside of her. A new emotion flooded through her veins, rage. Death itself wasn't necessarily the thing that frightened her, there was more to it than that. It was the fear of never accomplishing anything, it was the fear of being worthless, and the fear of never being free that really scared her.

These were the three things she had to live for. She had sworn to him that she would never give up and today she wasn't going to give up on life so easily. Not without a fight. If death wanted the soldier; so be it. But it would have to drag her kicking and screaming.

She stopped fighting the titan. Letting her arms fall to the floor; she searched the worn wooden floorboards for anything she could use as a weapon. Her right hand slid over a cool smooth object. It was a shard from one of her broken blades. She only had one shot.

She seized the shard and clutched it tightly, she cared not for the small wound it caused. One chance was all she had and the soldier didn't mind if she had to pay for it with blood. Hand tensely aimed; the soldier waited with each precious drop for the perfect moment.

She furiously impaled the titan's eye. Driving the shard inside its socket with so much force that it would be impossible for her to pull back out. For a split second, its jaws loosened enough to release a pained moan. Now was her chance and she would only have seconds to act upon it.

The soldier grabbed a hold of the beast's maw and angrily pried it open. Forcing it to release her maimed shoulder. Free from its jaws, she quickly shoved her hand under its chin to stop it from coming back to bite her again.

Her whole body was trembling, and with all her waning strength, she fought to push the revolting beast off of her. She could feel her arms begin to buckle from the strain, even in her delirious state of mind she knew that she was working against the clock. Her vision hazed and she knew it was only a matter of time before she faded. She pushed one last, unsuccessful time and then her body went limp. All feeling had drained from this once strong body, unable to move and defenseless; she now truly felt lifeless.

The soldier watched detached from the world as the titan came back in, ready to finish the job. Death was now inevitable, but she was too weak and too tired to be frightened. Teetering on the edge; her mind had went almost blank. Probably preparing for the end by keeping her calm. As he titan's jaws approached closer to her face she dared herself to look into the eyes of her killer.

And to her horror; she saw a flickering glimpse of humanity within them. _No, that's impossible._ Shutting her eyes; she tried to erase that image from her mind before it all ended. But it was futile. Her heart felt like it was about to explode and she realized that she was going to die like a coward.

What came next was not the crushing blow; but hot steaming blood splattered across her face. Followed by an instantaneous thud right beside her head.

Suddenly, there was pressure on her right side; a wave of unbearable pain burned it's way into her flesh. She would have screamed if she hadn't been so far gone. She reopened her eyes, the titan's face was no longer there. Instead the young soldier saw the decomposing beast on top of her, headless, and cauterizing the gaping wound. Her monster had just become her salvation.

A pair of arms wrapped around her torso, they pulled her out from beneath the steaming corpse before she could be burned to a crisp. Her vison was too blurry to tell who this person was but there was a sense of familiarity to them. And for the first time in what seemed like an eternity, she felt some kind of comfort. They picked her up and carried her out of that hellish house. Gently, she was laid down in the grass.

In the corner of her eye she saw two more figures appear, one came rushing to her side and began speaking with whoever was already beside her. She couldn't understand what the two were saying, she could only tell that they were upset. With her hearing shifting constantly between silent to deafeningly loud, it impossible for anything to sound coherent. Within the madness, thought made its way back into her mind and along with it emotions. Tears began to fall.

Although the wound was now closed; she had lost too much blood. Black was creeping into her vision and she could hardly move. A violent swam of emotions raced through her mind, all of them so confusing except one, the most dominant of them, fear. In the end that was all it came back to. Humanity's most primal emotion, the same emotion she had been trying all these years to weed out.

She tried not to become the frightened little girl again. But here she was; lying in the grass, caked in her own blood, crying and secretly wishing to be held by her sister, a cruel dream that could never happen. With her consciousness hanging on by a thread, she looks at one of the soldiers beside her. This time, even in the haze; she recognized this one. Although featureless, she could make out short wheat-blonde hair, fair skin, and a medium sized stature.

This was the girl she saved. A reluctant calmness coursed through her body. The pain had vanished. And all she could feel now was numb.

Instead of the constant switching between deafeningly loud and complete silence, she could now just hardly hear the voices of her fellow soldiers. As their voices grew quieter in her mind, they grew louder in reality. The three of them were shouting for her to stay with them, but a sleep she could not fight gently called out to her, a sleep she knew that she could possibly never awaken from. The blonde cried for her, but she could hardly hear. She looked to the moon, bathing in its light; she allowed the slumber to take her, but before she was gone she heard the blonde.

"Aminah, Aminah! Come on, you can't leave me like this! Don't go, don't go..."

00000

Aminah Rúna's mind was brought back to the dead of winter of her eleventh year.

She sat impatiently on the front porch, observing the falling snow. She watched the frozen particles meticulously dance though the air, they almost calmed her ever racing mind. Aminah loved snow, in her mind there was nothing more beautiful than the frozen creation. She'd often sit out at night for hours on end admiring it. It was something she probably loved too much.

In fact Aminah spent so much time watching the snow that when she was younger her parents had to start taking turns monitoring her in order to make sure she wouldn't end up getting frostbite from her strange obsession. Her elder sister Kaya, had once joked about how the cold would be the end of her and to Aminah that didn't seem like such a bad way to go out. With the world they lived in there were far worse ways to die. Especially for people like them.

But on this night she wasn't out there to admire the picturesque scenery of the snowy forest that surrounded her home. She was waiting for the return of her father and possibly her sister. Fourteen days earlier, Aminah's sister and parents had gotten into a bitter argument. It ended up rocking their entire household and the outcome hadn't been good to say the least. The entire situation was caused by one thing, Kaya's nature.

She was a free spirit, wild like the woods she had been raised in. She was brazen, temperamental, carefree, a strong fighter, and brutally honest. Basically she was almost the complete opposite of her sister. Kaya was truly a beautiful nightmare for her parents, but that would never stop them from loving her.

But to Aminah, Kaya was perfect. Words truly couldn't describe the love and admiration the young girl had for her older sister. Aminah wanted to so desperately be like Kaya, she wanted to be brave, to be able to speak her own mind, and stand up for herself. That's why she always listened to her even if she didn't necessarily agree, because Aminah knew that at the very least she might learn something from her. No matter what; if Kaya lead she followed.

Kaya would often lead her though the woods for hours, recounting tales about the world beyond the walls to Aminah. Kaya had said that their father would one day teach her the same once she turned twelve. She always made Aminah promise to never tell anyone about the knowledge she had prematurely shared. Even though the constant reminders were completely unnecessary and kind of irritating, she understood that it was because Kaya didn't want to see her get hanged for having a lose tongue.

As time went on, Aminah had started to notice that this knowledge had made Kaya restless. The older she grew the more frustrated she became. Kaya knew there was a world outside and she began to believe that there had to be a better one somewhere out there. She now wanted to leave the walls; she wanted to leave their oppression and discrimination.

She saw no point in learning such liberating knowledge if all she did was just sit around and make no use of it. So that's why fourteen days ago with her bags packed, Kaya had announced that she was going to join the military. And that once she graduated; she would join the Survey Corps.

To say her parents had been distraught would be an understatement. Her father had burst into tears only a few minutes into the argument while her mother had started screaming almost immediately. She had yelled at Kaya and accused her of wanting to 'throw her life away for nothing'. Her father hadn't been able to speak, he just wept. He had known this day would come.

He knew that he couldn't tame the wild that grew inside her, the same wild he shared with her. He had accidently pushed her to the point of no return. Bard took a gamble the day he decided to pass on his family's knowledge of the outside world. It may not have been much but even the smallest of sparks can start a wildfire.

Aminah had silently watched on from the shadows. She had known about her sister's plans all along. When Kaya had told her; she, like the ignorant child she was, had blindly approved and promised to stay quiet. She knew nothing of the Survey Corps' death rates. Nor did she know that if Kaya were to join; she would most likely die on her first expedition.

But it was Kaya, and Aminah trusted her judgment no matter what.

Ignoring their pleas, Kaya had grabbed her bags and ran out of the house without a single goodbye. Not even to Aminah.

At first they had checked with the Cline's to see if she was there or if she had stopped by, she hadn't. For three days they had searched the town, and for three days they had waited for their daughter's return. With no sign of her, Aminah's parents had decided that her father, would travel to the nearest military enlistment processing station to see if Kaya had in fact registered.

Aminah had been sitting in the bitter cold for hours; nervously waiting. Tonight her father was to return with either Kaya or news of her. If she had enlisted, there would be nothing her parents could do about it. Aminah secretly hoped she made it in time. It was a silly and childish hope, one that she was too naive to see the potential consequences of.

Aminah's hands began to numb, it didn't bother her. The cold never did. But she remembered what her mother had told her about the importance of staying warm. So she stuck her hands under her armpits, absorbing her own body heat back into her hands.

The door opened behind her and Aminah craned her neck to see her mother, who gave a small smile and sat beside her daughter. She was a very beautiful woman, but it was Kaya who took most of her traits. Aminah had inherited most of her father's features, like her jade green eyes, straight onyx hair, more pointed face, and barely visible freckles. But she had taken on her mother's most noticeable feature which Kaya hadn't. Her deep brown skin.

This was why they stayed isolated. This was why their mother spent eight hours each week teaching them how to fight and this was why they lived in the woods an hour away from the nearest town. To avoid discrimination on a daily basis, to avoid human traffickers. This was what Kaya wanted to leave behind.

"It's late, why don't you come inside?" May said, Aminah shrugged. "Don't worry about them, your father will come back safely. But he might not be here till early morning so there's no use in waiting out here for him. You can wait inside where you won't lose your nose to frostbite."

She stood up and lent Aminah a hand. She took it and followed her mother into the sturdy, rustic house. She sat down on their crude old couch next to the coffee table, not far from the front door. Her mother walked over and plopped down on the couch beside her daughter, she wrapped a warm arm around Aminah and pulled her close. Aminah couldn't help but smile, she rested her head against her mother's chest, feeling it rise and fall in a soothing rhythm.

Her mother began to stroke her hair, hoping the action would calm her daughter's nerves. With each stroke of her mother's hand Aminah's worries seemed to get smaller. Strange that such a small action could seemingly make everything in the world seem right. In that moment Aminah thought that as long as they were together she could never be lost. But she also had something else on her mind, although Aminah didn't want to disrupt their new found bliss, she needed to ask a question that had been on her mind.

"Mom, why are you so against Kaya joining the Survey Corps? I mean she's strong and can handle herself." May sighed rather heavily.

"Aminah, you need to understand that this world is a cruel place even within these walls. You know that's why I've taught you two to fight, but strength can only get you so far. Fighting humans is nothing like fighting titans, humans can't grow limbs back, humans aren't fifteen meters tall, and humans don't try to eat each other. Well at least most don't." She smiled at the last part which made Aminah a little less nervous about bringing up the topic.

What May said about the titans was correct but she had overestimated her daughter's naiveté in one aspect. Aminah was already too familiar with how cruel people could be. Up until she was nine, Aminah had constantly been harassed by a group of children. They had done everything from calling her names; most of which were derogatory statements about her skin color, to throwing rocks, and occasionally robbing her. Once they even attempted to cut off her hair.

Most of the time she hadn't fought back. The only time had, was when she thought she could possibly be in real danger. Any other time she had simply frozen up and taken the abuse out of fear that if she retaliated it would have only gotten worse.

No one was really sure where Aminah got her submissive nature from. It certainly wasn't her mother; a free spirit who would never let anyone control her and although her father was a very gentle and soft spoken man; he'd never put up with any kind of bully either. However, maybe it wasn't Bard himself, but rather his teachings that had shaped Aminah's nature.

He would always tell Aminah about how all life should be respected and how you had to be kind to one another even if you disliked that person. Because hate was a cycle and if you gave off hatred it would only continue. But if you passed on kindness you might be able to break the cycle and maybe that person would one day return the kindness.

Aminah might have ended up taking lessons like these too seriously. Eventually Kaya and Rose had beaten up Aminah's abusers and made them swear to never touch her again. After that the bullies would stay as far away from her as humanly possible, out of fear of the two older girls. Aminah knew the cruelty of the walls, but she still had no idea about the kind that laid beyond them.

"Whenever the Survey Corps go out for an expedition; half of their members will die. Most of the bodies are never recovered. Sometimes all that's left of a person is an arm, a leg, or a maybe even a head. Aminah, would you like for them to come back with your sister's head in a bag?" Aminah shook her head 'no'.

"Honestly if something like that were to happen… I'd rather have them bring nothing back at all." Her features grew distant. May looked at Aminah with tired and somber eyes.

"They've made little progress over the past fifteen years. Strong holds outside the wall are a dream that may never come true. I never want Kaya or you to join them, ever. Not because I dislike them. No, in fact I admire them."

"It's because I don't want to…. I can't lose you two. So even if you; with all your heart want to join, I'll try with everything I have to keep you from it. Even if it hurts, I won't let it happen."

"Because parents are selfish when it comes to protecting their children, keeping them safe is sometimes more important than keeping them happy." Her strong arms coiled around Aminah's shoulders as if she were trying to protect her from some unknown force. In a shared moment of silence, May held her daughter like nothing else in the world mattered. "Please promise me you'll never join the Survey Corps?" She pleaded with stressed and slightly bloodshot eyes.

"Don't worry, Mom, I won't. Besides there aren't many of us left." Aminah could instantly see the relief wash across her mother's face. "Anyway, I don't want to fight titans, I want to study them." She looked up only to be greeted by her mother's shocked and simultaneously irritated face.

"What?" May's face now swelled a vibrant shade of red. "What has Mr. Cline been telling you?"

"Nothing out of the ordinary. I asked him to tell me about them. Mom, I... I just want to learn about them, it's not like I'll be joining the army." Aminah said meekly. Her statement hadn't seemed to calm her mother one bit, so she attempted to continue as eloquently as possible.

"I wouldn't have to work on the field if I get a good education. I'd be working in a lab somewhere safe, away from live titans, analyzing samples. Imagine me creating some magic poison that would kill them all! With the power of science we can learn how they work and defeat them!" She claimed exuberantly.

Her mother sighed in relief, she knew Aminah was being truthful. Since she did have sort of a strange side underneath her docile exterior that held a deep fascination with large deadly animals. May had guessed that it was only natural for her to become interested in titans at some point. She just hoped it wouldn't grow into an obsession that would end up leading her to the military.

"Please don't get mad at Mr. Cline. I had to beg him to tell me!" The girl pleaded, the man was like an uncle to her and she didn't want him to get in trouble because of her. May sighed.

"Don't worry I won't, but must you let your curiosity get the better of you?" Aminah shrugged her shoulders, not really knowing what to say to that. "Does Kaya know?"

"Yes." She squeaked. May rolled her eyes in the most passive aggressive way possible.

"How did I wind up with such insane children?" May stated dramatically, leaning further into the couch.

"Don't know, maybe it's because…ugh… you gave birth during a full moon or something. I don't know? That sounded dumb." Aminah mumbled, regretting her choice of words.

"Maybe you don't know because you're tired." May released Aminah from her tight embrace and stood up. Aminah now felt like she could finally breathe after being released from her grip. "Get up, it's nearly midnight. Go get some sleep."

She got off the creaking couch and embraced her mother, hard. Catching May a bit off guard. "Okay, but only if you wake me up when dad gets back, okay." May stroked her hair once more and agreed.

"Alright, I will. But just to warn you, you'll probably not want to get up when he arrives." They separated, Aminah somewhat reluctantly; headed back to her room. She laid in her bed for about an hour before sleep finally consumed her. On that night she slept with no dreams.

She in awoke in cold sweat awoke to the sound of unfamiliar voices, she could hear them coming from the kitchen. Aminah was instantly terrified. Trembling, she got out of bed and cautiously made her way to the kitchen. She walked silently with her arms raised, prepared to fight, heart beating so fast it felt as if it were to burst. She kept mentally telling herself to remember what her mother had taught her, remember and everything will be fine.

She turned the corner into the kitchen. What she saw both shocked and reviled her.

Both her parents were sitting at the dinner table with a military policemen. The policeman was the first to notice her presence, her parents quickly caught on and turned to face her. Her mother looked distraught. Aminah had no time to look at her father's face because he was up and out of his chair in the blink of an eye.

He pulled her into a bone crushing hug. While he held her; she felt his entire body shake. Aminah was truly scared now. What had happed or what had they done to get the Military Police involved, was all she could think. Her father released her, Aminah's eyes were instantly drawn to his trembling hands, she dreaded finding out what had caused this.

"Aminah, come, sit." He whispered, she obeyed and sat between her parents.

"What's wrong, why are they here, what did Kaya do? Where is she?" The officer gave her a grave look, one that made her stomach sink. She looked to Bard seeking some kind of support, instead she saw tears begin to roll down her father's face. Her mother looked on in confusion and fear, eyes constantly darting from person to person.

"Dad, what's going on?"

Bard looked to the policeman. "Officer, please tell my wife and daughter… I.. can't." His silent tears turned into sobs, May reached across the table and took her husband's hand in an attempt to comfort not just him but herself too.

"Mrs. Rúna, your daughter is missing. We believe she was kidnapped, I'm sorry." He said trying his hardest to be supportive.

It was as if lead weights had filled Aminah's chest and for a moment she could have sworn her heart stopped beating. She couldn't breathe; the world felt as if it were shattering around her. Kaya was gone.

She couldn't believe it, and she refused to believe it. So she had clouded herself within this fallacy where Kaya couldn't be gone and that it was all a lie that the Military Police had made up. Aminah looked over to her mother, hoping to see if she could give a bit of reassurance. But instead she saw that her mother's face was expressionless.

"Did you find anything of her?" May replied coldly, not allowing any emotion to escape her lips.

"Yes." The officer hesitated for a moment before pulling a black bag from beneath the table, he unzipped it and pulled out a rucksack. Aminah immediately recognized it. it was Kaya's.

He placed it on the table. It was dirty and had old, dried blood on it. "Your husband said this was hers, could you please confirm."

He slid it towards to May. Cringing at the sight of it. She refused to touch the object as if it were cursed.

"Yes, this is Kaya's." May's stoicism crumbled away with each second she stared at the bag. Her mind continuously assaulted with images of what could have happened. Her eyes glassed over. "And I assume... that this is…. her blood?"

"Most likely, we're sorry." The policeman struggled not to get choked up himself.

Her mother, her strong mother; who hardly ever cried began to weep.

All of this was surreal. How could this happen to Kaya? She had always been the strong one and now she was either locked up as some pervert's plaything or dead. They were trained for this. How could a simple criminal win against someone who had trained their whole life to protect themselves in this exact situation?

All of this was too much for Aminah. She couldn't handle knowing that Kaya would never go outside the walls and die caged up, living as someone's slave. She violently stood up accidently knocking over her chair in the process.

"No, she can't be gone! She's strong, none of you…." She began to cry, reality had begun to sink in. Her father reached for her hand. "No!" She swatted it away.

"I don't want your help! It's all your fault!"

May stood up, she attempted to embrace her daughter only to have Aminah push her away. "Aminah, please." She sobbed.

"No.. I can't." Aminah burst from the kitchen and ran out the door, barefoot and dressed in only a nightgown.

She ran blindly into the woods on an unfamiliar path, running as far and as fast as her shivering legs could carry her. She could not bring herself to care about getting lost; nor the idea of freezing to death. The only thing she cared about was running, running away from the cruel reality. She did not care about the numbness spreading though her arms, nor the sting in her bare feet from slitting her soles on jagged rocks. Aminah ran for what seemed like hours until she finally collapsed in the middle of a small snowy meadow.

She laid there in the tall frosted grass, in pain. Her feet bloody and staining the snow beneath them red. Her spindly body nearly frozen.

Aminah ran her hand though the frozen grass, the gesture awaking memories that had been long forgotten. They were memories of her family together but she thought of nothing but her sister. The way she talked, the way she sang, fought, laughed, yelled, and ran. Aminah looked to the sky, the stars were out.

She recalled the time when she had tried to teach Kaya about the constellations. She could remember that Kaya had complained it was boring and just a waste of time. Even though Aminah had argued fiercely that it wasn't, Kaya had never agreed. So in the end Aminah gave up on teaching her.

Although they would argue about stupid things, and although they had very different interests, they loved each other more than anything. Kaya never gave up on her even when they were at each other's throats, even when Aminah gave up on herself. No matter what; Kaya was there for her, and now it was time for her to do the same. She remembered something Kaya had said in their argument about constellations. She had said: 'why does anything up there matter when we live down here', something about this struck a chord in Aminah.

It was time to get her head out of the clouds and start growing up. That moment in her dreary, numb state Aminah made a promise.

"Kaya, I don't know how or when. But one day I will find you, no matter what."

She laid there for what seemed like eternity until her parents found her; crumpled up in the bloody snow at death's door. Her mother quickly wrapped a blanket around her frozen form and carried her back home. Once Aminah laid in her mother's arms she blacked out, knowing she was now safe.

She would never forget the promise she made that night. The promise to find Kaya and bring her home, alive or dead.

00000

Blinding shining light, burned its way into her eyelids. That same divine light seemed to call out for her return to the world. Feeling dazed and confused; she slowly she lifted her heavy eyelids open to a blurry mess of drab colors. For a minute; she passively watched the blurred figures bustle around her. And when her vision finally cleared, Aminah saw what she had expected, a hospital.

It was a stark, bare bones building that had probably never seen this much action before. Her sweaty back pressed against the small hard bed, Aminah looked up at the ceiling of the giant room. She was just one random solider who had gotten lucky. Did she even deserve to be alive? There were plenty of people who were more worthy of survival, yet she despite these feelings; she could never be a martyr. No matter what she was always ruled by a primal urge to survive, even if made her a selfish coward.

Looking back down; she watched as nurses carried a fresh cadaver from a bed four rows down. _I'm screwed._

The sight violently awoke Aminah from her groggy state. Hastily, she lifted her left hand to eye level and to her relief; a dainty silver ring with a bird's wing in the center still sat upon her index finger. The sight put Aminah at ease. She pushed herself forward, only to get shocked by a sharp, stabbing pain in her ribs. She immediately laid back down and pulled her shirt up, revealing a bandaged abdomen.

_Great, they're probably broken. Now I'm really screwed. S_he thought to herself and then proceeded to examine her shoulder. She couldn't tell how bad the wound was since it too was entirely bandaged along with half of her right arm.

_What's wrong with my arm?_ Aminah couldn't remember how she had sustained this injury, in fact she could hardly remember what had happened. All she knew for now was that it hurt like hell. Her body suddenly began to ache even more. Apparently whatever pain medication they had given her was beginning to wear off.

She would have to bear the pain until a nurse walked by. Besides, she had gone through worse.

In the meantime she checked out her neighbors. To her left was a relatively short boy, around her age who was out cold and seemed to have some kind of internal injury. When Aminah first laid eyes on the boy; she believed him to be dead until after three minutes of staring she finally saw his chest rise. The boy was so pale that he was literally white, the peppery red hair that curled into countless knots was about the only lively looking thing about him. To her right was the complete opposite.

There lay a tall woman who was most definitely awake. Most of her left leg was missing below the knee. She had sandy brown hair, tawny skin and a perpetual frown. She paid no attention to Aminah's stares or anything else, she just continued to scowl at the ceiling. Which was something Aminah was grateful for since this woman seemed to radiate an indescribable and unpleasant feeling.

To Aminah's luck a nurse finally walked by. His presence seemed to stop the sensation.

"Sir," she called hoarsely, catching his attention. The nurse walked quietly over. He was about medium height with dark brunette hair, extremely pale, and had rather large dark circles under his eyes. There was sort of an odd aura to him, as if he seemed to either dislike everything or find everything boring. Aminah wasn't quite sure which one it was or if it was even one of the two.

"Oh, you're awake. You need more morphine?" He said dryly while preparing the syringe.

"Yes, please." She replied meekly, he grabbed her arm and rubbed it with alcohol, he then stuck her with the syringe. "Sir, my ribs. How bad are they?"

"You broke two of them on your upper right side, not too badly though. It should take six weeks for them to heal. For the time being you shouldn't sit up. You also have some burns all up on your right side, from your shoulder and right arm, down to your hip, they're goanna leave some scars." He said with almost a hint of empathy in his otherwise dry voice.

Aminah didn't really care about having scars, she was more worried about how long she would be there. She didn't want to be trapped in this place for long, especially with the body count on the rise. She desperately hoped these doctors knew what they were doing. With all the cadavers; Aminah feared a virus could break out. "How long until I can walk?"

"About five days, but you'll have to take it easy, very easy. No running, no power walking or jumping. Don't let the doctors' work go to waste, they're busy enough as it is." _Was the last part really necessary?_ The nurse's snide tone aside, she was relieved at the news, the sooner she could walk, the quicker she could get out of this hospital that reeked of death.

Besides she didn't want to constantly be reminded of the incident that had landed her here in the first place. The nurse put his tools back on to the tray. Just as he was about to leave Aminah heard her name being called.

"Aminah, Aminah?" She could recognize that voice anywhere.

"Elisabeth!" Aminah called. Once she had laid eyes on Aminah, the other girl came barreling over to her bedside, completely ignoring the nurse's presence. He cringed at the girl's unexpected appearance.

"You're awake, how do you feel.." Out of the corner of her eye, Elisabeth saw the nurse staring at her with a gaze so fierce; his eyes might have well been daggers. She took an awkward step back.

"How did you get in here? We're not allowing visitors!" The nurse barked. Elisabeth just gave him a nervous smile.

"Well, no one told me that so I just walked in, because I wanted to make sure my friend was still alive. Good friends make sure their friends aren't dead, right?" She quipped, her smile only getting wider in an attempt to hide her nerves.

"Well, good friends also allow their friends to rest. Your friend here just woke up and I'm sure she's tired so.."

"Sir, that's alright, I'm fine. I would like to see her, please." Aminah interrupted, albeit as politely as possible. The nurse sighed and pressed a hand against his face.

"Alright, just make sure she's quiet. I don't need her disturbing others." He sighed again, Aminah nodded her head in agreement as the nurse took his tray and reluctantly left. Elisabeth grabbed Aminah's bandaged hand. Although she took care not to disturb the wound, pain shot up Aminah's right arm whenever any pressure was applied, causing her to wince slightly.

Elisabeth didn't seem to notice what she had done but Aminah didn't protest. Although it hurt; it was nice to have physical contact and to have Elisabeth back, the last thing Aminah wanted to do was scare her off by having her think she was fragile.

"How are you feeling?" Elisabeth asked.

"Alright…I guess, but this is definitely going to leave a nasty scar." Aminah gestured to her right shoulder. "What a shame. And I had such a beautiful shoulder." She whined sarcastically, she really didn't care about scaring, she was more worried about getting it back into shape or the possibility of nerve damage.

"Yeah, that was your most attractive feature, now no one will want to date you because of your hideous shoulder." Elisabeth joked and Aminah chuckled at her ridiculous statement. Her face suddenly grew solemn as she remembered her teammates, Aminah simply hoped that they were safe.

"Elisabeth, where are we? Is Dave and the rest of our squad safe, and did they seal the wall?" She nervously blurted out so quickly that it took Elisabeth a few seconds to process the question.

"Don't worry he's safe, they're safe. We're back in Chlorba, the hospital isn't that far away from the apartment. And you aren't going to believe this, but….." Elisabeth leaned in close and stated quietly. "Wall Rose was never breached."

"What?! How is that possible?" Disturbed, Aminah almost sat up, but quickly realized her mistake. To say she was shocked would be a complete understatement. She couldn't understand how this was even possible. It was almost as if one Mr. Cline's (Rose's father) more out-there theories was coming to life.

"Did the titans get in through a tunnel? Did they somehow climb the wall? How…."

"I can tell you that they didn't dig their way in, no one found any large mysterious holes, and it's highly unlikely that they climbed, seeing that they had no claws. For now we just don't know. But don't worry about that now, the Corps is looking into it." Aminah calmed down even though the news worried her, Elisabeth's rather nonchalant attitude towards the whole situation made her think that maybe everything wasn't as bad as it seemed. She still couldn't remember the night of the attack that well, she wasn't even sure how long she had been in the hospital.

"How long have I been here?"

"Two days." Surprise! She didn't expect that she had been out so long.

"Oh my," She murmured under her breath, totally dumbfounded by the news. Now she was afraid that her injuries may be worse than she imagined, but for her; now wasn't the time to get hung up on it. Aminah quickly recovered from her bewilderment and pretended everything was fine.

"It must have been one hell of a fight, I don't really remember much besides, you know, nearly dying. So Elisabeth, could you please be a dear and summarize?" Aminah asked overzealously and with a forged smile. Elisabeth knew she was trying to hide her fears under that false vigor. She hated it when Aminah did this.

Putting on a brave face and shutting herself off always ended up making things worse. Usually Elisabeth would tell her to cut it out, but with the condition Aminah was in; she deserved some slack. So instead of confronting the issue she sighed but nodded in agreement.

"Yeah sure, so you and me had just gotten off patrol. We were in the locker room with some other girls, preparing to go home when Squad leader Paul came bursting in yelling. 'WALL ROSE HAS BEEN BREACHED! Get on a horse and start helping with evacuations!'"

"And all I could think about was why did they send a man to alert us? Was it really that difficult to send a woman? Seriously I didn't need Paul to see my tits."

Aminah began to laugh so hard it was hurting her ribs and making it difficult to breathe, she put her left hand over her mouth to keep quiet. "Oh, so now you care about boys seeing your tits?" She jabbed playfully at Elisabeth, who was now trying to contain her own laughter.

"You don't get it, he's like forty and always so grim, and he smells like horse piss." She said with a grin. "But you know what, I shouldn't have any shame." She shrugged her shoulders. "I'm comfortable in my own skin."

Aminah felt a bit of envy at her friend's words. She loved how confident Elisabeth was. In fact that was why Aminah was so drawn to her, but sometimes she couldn't help getting jealous.

Oh, how she so dearly whished that she could feel comfortable within her own skin. The skin she had been bullied for when she had been a young girl, the skin that a fellow trainee would harass her for when she was still in training, the skin strangers would stop and stare at, the skin her sister was hunted down for. Elisabeth had told her she was beautiful before on multiple occasions. Each time being sincere but years of societal abuse couldn't be washed away so easily.

Aminah really needed to get her mind off her appearance. She hoped Elisabeth hadn't noticed that something was troubling her. She was starting to get anxious. "Elisabeth, what happened next?"

"So I and some of the other girls, quickly put our harnesses back on. Yours was pretty much still on so…yeah. Grabbed our gear and hauled ass to the stables, we met up with Dave there and he clung to me so we wouldn't get placed in separate groups. He was starting to freak out a bit and when I said clung, I mean that almost literally. He kept grabbing onto my arm and I eventually had to tell him."

"'Dave you know I love you so when I say this, please know it's for your own good. We are not twelve anymore, you knew this day was coming so pick up your Jimmies and let go of my arm.'"

"He stopped holding on to me after that. By the way thanks, he was still kind of a nervous wreck as we got on our horses, you rode and talked with him the entire ride to the inner gate. He calmed down a lot after that. When we got there the commander told the squad leaders to start splitting everyone into groups of six, some would guide the evacuees into Yalkell and the others would go evacuate villages. Guess which one we were ordered to do and by who."

"The village evacuation. And let me guess, Paul." Aminah groaned, she started to remember the hectic situation.

"Yeah, that asshole sent some of the least experienced of us into titan country! Hell, he was mostly sending kids fresh out of training. It's almost like he wanted everyone to get eaten!" Elisabeth exhaled loudly and pressed a palm against her forehead before continuing.

"Anyway, we were paired up with three people whose names I can't remember and don't plan on learning. Dave obviously, and Bruno, really nice guy; you should hang out with him more." Elisabeth cocked her brows up and down suggestively. Aminah caught the memo and couldn't believe what she was suggesting. She rolled her eyes.

"No Elisabeth, I'm not going on a date with Bruno. He's nice but I hardly know him."

"But you could get to know him."

"Why are we even talking about this?"

"My bad princess." Elisabeth huffed, finally getting back on topic. "We went to this one village where there were no titans and got everyone out unharmed. The next village we stopped at was the bad one. When we got there it looked abandoned."

"All of us splitted up in pairs of two, you and I were alone together when we heard moaning coming from one of the houses. You said that it could have been someone injured so we decided to check it out."

"We walked in quietly. I honestly don't know why, but that was a huge mistake. We should have called out first to see if what was in that house was actually, you know, a human."

"When we entered the living room I let my guard down and then….. I don't really know what happened. All I know is that you pushed me and then everything went black." Elisabeth's voice darkened, her eyes drifted to the floor.

"The next thing I knew my eyes were open but I couldn't move. I saw the titan on top of you but I was unable to do anything about it. You pushed me out of the way, didn't you?" Elisabeth's voice became small and cracked. She then squeezed Aminah's hand as if she were seeking support.

"Those injuries should be mine; Aminah. You saved me and I did nothing." The blonde's eyes became glassy as she still clutched Aminah's hand for support, her grip growing tighter. Aminah didn't quite know what to do, she was already having a hard enough time grasping everything that had happened. So ignoring the pain; she just squeezed Elisabeth's hand in return.

"I don't know how to repay you." Elisabeth whispered, her voice sounding utterly fragile.

"You don't need to repay me, you've already done enough for me." Aminah said softly, trying to ease her friend's worries. But Elisabeth's eyes remained fixated on the ground so Aminah changed the subject. "So who was my knight in shining armor?" She asked a bit tongue-in-cheek, Elisabeth's face seemed to lighten up a bit at her tone.

"Dave, he took the head off along with the nape. To think out of all of us wall flowers, Dave would get the first kill." She paused and began to smile again. Although this time; sorrow laid underneath the surface. "He's grown a lot. If it wasn't for his quick thinking to let that titan burn your wound, you would have bleed to death."

"Unfortunately it gave you some…. unnecessary burns, too. But hey at least he made sure your pretty face didn't get burned." Her voice was now clearer and Elisabeth's eye began too twitch. That fire was returning. "You know what, this is all Paul's fault!"

"If that asshole hadn't sent us there, then you wouldn't be here! Seriously fuck that guy!" Aminah grinned at her friend's sudden outburst. It was amusing to watch her become so animated while being forced to retain a muted voice.

"Next time you see Paul, are you going to tell him that?"

"Hell yeah, I will!"

"Don't, it's not worth getting suspended for. Plus, you're being too harsh on the guy. He was only doing his job."

"Fine, I won't, so back to the story. You passed out from blood loss and I carried you on horseback to the medics. You really scared the crap out of all of us, I know that you and Bruno don't know each other too well, but even he was scared. I think he might have a bit of a crush on you." Elisabeth whispered, Aminah had no idea why she whispered the last sentence or why she wanted the two of them together so badly, she just gave Elisabeth a look that said 'really?'

"Dave's still pretty worried. He really wanted to come and see you but they wouldn't let him in yesterday, so I came instead. I'll tell him how you're doing."

"Thank you for carrying me but why would you do that after hitting your head hard enough to knock you unconscious? Did the medics say you had a concussion?"

"What? No, I didn't see the medics. I felt fine." Aminah couldn't believe it, she could have brain damage and she didn't even bother to seek any medical attention. Now Aminah felt like banging her head into Wall Rose.

"Why, Elisabeth? What is wrong with you? Losing consciousness after hitting your head means you probably have some form of brain injury, most likely a concussion. You can't just avoid medical attention because you 'felt fine'! Did your injury make you incapable of logic?"

"How do you even know I'm injured? Everything's been running smoothly for me." She brushed it off while wearing a prideful smirk. Aminah was not impressed.

"Oh really? Tell me Elisabeth, have you been feeling nauseous, fatigued, dizzy, or dazed and confused? Has there been any ringing in your ears and have you had frequent headaches? Go on now, tell me you haven't felt any of these." Confident that she'd prove Elisabeth wrong; Aminah held her head as high as possible.

"No, sorry, not at all."

"Are you serious?" The question was unnecessary. Aminah knew it wasn't a lie but she just couldn't believe it.

"Yep, now can you stop nagging me about it?" Elisabeth was now the one with their head held high, Aminah sunk hers back into the pillow. But she sucked it up and swallowed her pride.

"Yes, I'll stop. Could you tell Dave I'm fine and that I said hello. No wait, tell him that I've been terribly disfigured and that they had to amputate my right arm, so I'll get to see the look on his face when he realizes that I'm fine." Aminah grinned wickedly, Elisabeth chuckled at the idea. "I'm joking, please don't actually do that."

"Aminah, he saw you that night so he's not going to believe you're disfigured anyway, but he might believe that you've lost your arm. While speaking of missing arms; they've been saying that commander Erwin's right one was eaten. Sure he's still alive, but he won't be able to lead expeditions anymore. Unless he has some kind of death wish."

"That's a surprise, does he happen to be a lefty, ambidextrous maybe?" Aminah joked facetiously. She honestly did feel bad for the man and the news was quite surprising, but sometimes her humor had the tendency to manifest during inappropriate subjects or situations to say the least. "I would hate to do paper work in his position. Who knows, maybe all this time he was secretly a titan shifter and he'll grow his arm back."

"Yeah sure, but he would obviously keep his secret and only grow it back when he's alone. Honestly I have no idea what hand he used, uses, but a talented man like Commander Smith should adapt quickly. Oh, not to try and worry you but I forgot to mention that this happened outside of Wall Rose." Aminah's interest piqued, she wondered what the Survey Corps were doing beyond the wall before an expedition. Under usual circumstances this wouldn't make any sense.

Something really bad must have happened. Aminah dug her head deeper into the hard pillow. Since she had woken up it seemed the world had gone even madder.

"Was this on the night of the 'breach'?" She used her hands as quotation marks for the word. As they both new that wasn't it, and both had the same feeling that something more sinister was at fault.

"I'm not sure. I only heard about it this morning."

"Why did the Survey Corps go out? Were they looking for some kind of breach on the opposite side?" Aminah highly doubted that was the case but asked anyway. Elisabeth just shrugged her shoulders in response.

"I'm not quite sure why they went out. I keep asking but no one around here knows and I think they might even be covering something up. Something is really off about the whole situation and it's starting to scare me. It wasn't just the Survey Corps, Garrison and even some Military Police were sent out with them. There's no way they were searching for a breach but it wouldn't surprise me if that's what they say officially happened."

Elisabeth sank to the floor, sitting with her back against the wall and pulling her knees up to her chest. "I heard that about one hundred left and only around forty returned." There was a slight shake in her voice. With the news, along with the way Elisabeth had announced it; Aminah's heart sank. "They were slaughtered, around sixty people and I have a feeling titans weren't the only ones responsible."

"That's a shame." She said with her voice hushed and deadly serious, it was a poor response but the only one Aminah could think of. It was sickening to know so many people had died only for their cause of death to most likely be covered up. Loosing Garrison outside the walls felt wrong, they had offered their hearts but never to go beyond the walls. She would remember their sacrifices despite never knowing any of them because an old Garrison saying came to mind.

We are all connected.

Although she had issues with the Military Police; that obviously didn't mean they deserved to die. She knew there were good people among them, people like Rose. And even if they were corrupt, whatever caused their deaths shouldn't be covered up either.

As for the Survey Corps, Aminah honestly pitied them. She had never seen them as a waste of tax payer's money or a bunch of heretics. But a group of ridiculously brave people who were willing to fight for even the smallest chance at freedom. She had once admired them, but all she found herself doing these days was feeling sorry for them.

"I bet it has to do with that Jaeger boy. He always seems to cause trouble. Why out of all people did titan powers have to land into the hands of a fifteen year-old? Why couldn't it have landed in the hands of someone older and wiser, like…commander Erwin?" Elisabeth said with false nonchalance.

She was clearly trying to get her mind off the dark matters she had just told. Aminah didn't wish to think about them either. So she tried to lighten the conversation.

"What is up with you and Erwin today? Do you think he's attractive or something?" Nonchalantness abruptly shattered, scarlet began to creep across Elisabeth's face.

"Wha... no, I." Aminah began to laugh lightly. She wasn't actually expecting this kind of reaction. "Ok, ok, I do, but what's wrong with that?" Elisabeth said her defense. Aminah didn't care if she found him handsome but this was simply too great for her to let go.

"Nothing, you can fawn over commander handsome all you want. I'm sure he would make a sexy titan. Elisabeth, answer me honestly, do have acrotomophilia? Because if you do, you might want to consider the ethics of your attraction. It could be so unfair to your blonde beauty."

"I just hope that your little crush doesn't make you consider transferring to the scouts." She responded playfully but apparently Elisabeth didn't find her comments very amusing and she still wore a look of embarrassment. She decided to respond with an uncomfortable joke of her own, but this one accidentally so.

"Last time I checked, you were the one who almost joined them for love." Elisabeth replied with dry sarcasm. Aminah either didn't pick up on her friend's sarcasm or ignored it, because Elisabeth's comment rubbed her the wrong way. She narrowed her eyes, the emotion in them became unreadable. Elisabeth looked at her and saw that something was off.

"I told you not to mention that." Aminah stated firmly. Elisabeth realized her friend was irritated and knew that she had scratched a cut when she didn't mean to open an old wound. She hastily apologized.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean that. I should have never said that, I'm really sorry!" She exclaimed, desperately hoping she hadn't made Aminah angry. That was the last thing she wanted to do to her friend, especially after she had just saved her life. Luckily Elisabeth didn't need Aminah's forgiveness, since she wasn't angry; in reality she was just a little sad.

"It's fine, I just didn't want to be reminded of him right now." She sighed, Aminah began to fidget with her ring. Remembering its previous owner even though at the moment she wanted nothing more than to push him out of her mind. She knew Elisabeth meant no harm, but she really didn't want to think about him now, she was already in enough pain. "Look, I'm probably cranky because I'm tired and I..."

"I'll get going."

"No; that's not what I meant, you..." She was cut off again.

"No, Aminah I understand you need rest and listening to me blabber probably wore you out. Look, you nearly died two days ago; you need and deserve all the rest you can get." Elisabeth was right. She needed to rest even though she didn't wish to part with her friend.

"You know what Elisabeth, I need a vacation, a long one."

"Well, you probably won't be able to work for another two to three months, so at least you'll be on paid leave for a while." Elisabeth finally stood up. "I better get going now. I don't want to be late for duty. Bye, Aminah; it's good to have you alive."

"Goodbye, Elisabeth." Just before she could walk away, Aminah stopped her. "Oh, Elisabeth, how did you really get in here?" Elisabeth looked around to see if there were any nurses or doctors within earshot. There were none.

"I snuck in through the back." She replied quietly and smiled.

"That's my girl." And with that, Elisabeth left. Leaving Aminah in the company of the injured, dying, and freshly deceased. After this she would defiantly need a LONG vacation.


	2. The dreams of ghosts

Chapter 2

Please review

She woke gasping for air, shivering and covered in a cold sweat. Aminah didn't realize that that she was sitting up until that familiar pain tore its way down her abdomen. She wanted nothing more than to cry, but the girl had nothing but her pride so she held them in.

"Who's Christophe?" Aminah flinched then swung her head in the direction of the voice. Tending to the red headed boy was her nurse. He took his eyes of his patient to look at her.

"How do you know that name?" She stammered.

"You, wouldn't stop crying out for him in your sleep. Is he a family member?" The nurse said so softly that it was hard for Aminah to believe that this was the same man she had spoken to when she first woke up.

"No, but we were... close." That was all Aminah could bring herself to say. The nurse turned is gaze back to the boy.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to intrude." His voice was so quiet that she almost didn't catch the words. _It's alright. _She sank back into the bed and tried once more to get some sleep.

It took nine more days for Aminah to be discharged. Nine more tedious, torturous days of watching soldiers leave, which she so desperately wanted to do. And die, which she definitely didn't want to do. For four of those days she wasn't even allowed to sit up, this only added to the inconceivably, irksome, humdrum of hospital 'life'.

She spent her days staring at the ceiling, listening to the other soldiers' moan and groan in pain; while she bared her own in silence, and watching the body count rise daily. In the first four days alone; she had counted eight dead. One of them was the red headed boy that had laid to her left. He had apparently died while she was asleep.

She had found out on the fourth day. Aminah had rolled her head to the side only to be greeted by an empty bed. Upon seeing it; a hollowness overtook her, a feeling that she was unfortunately; well acquainted with. Although she knew what the answer would be and even though she dreaded it, Aminah had asked her nurse where the boy had gone. He confirmed that the boy had in fact died, and that he had never awoken once during his stay. And so he died within a never-ending sleep.

For reasons that would elude her, she cried for him. It wasn't much but still she did. Odd since she was never the kind of person who'd cry over strangers. So it baffled her as to why she cried for this one boy when she had seen countless corpses littered like garbage throughout refugee camps she had the pleasure of 'volunteering' in. Most of them had died from starvation or were murdered, most likely for their food, which had been so scarce at the time that even cadets were going hungry.

To this day; Aminah still couldn't get rid of the images of the bodies of those who had killed themselves before the so called 'reclamation of Wall Maria'. Everyone knew it was a farce so many believed that ending it then was probably better than the alternative of being eaten. It was in those camps that she and her comrades, as bunch of shocked, frightened and inexperienced trainees who had just survived to their second year; got a taste of what laid ahead of them.

Walking through those camps of corpses had made Aminah no stranger to death and it was something she had gotten used to years ago, that's why her tears felt so foreign. There was nothing that made this boy; whom she knew nothing about, special. He was just another soldier, expendable, just like her and almost every other soldier alive, they were all just bodies being thrown at a never ending war. But despite all of that he was human too and that at least had to count for something. Expendable yes but replaceable, no.

He must have had a family, at least at some point. And a name, it didn't matter whether she knew it or not. He had one and he was a person. Even if he wasn't 'special'. The ordinary deserve to be mourned just as much as the extraordinary.

Aminah didn't want to feel anything. Feeling made her weak. If she could encase her heart in a layer of ice to protect herself; she'd do it. But that was impossible and while being trapped in that bed. Unable to not bear witness to the death around her made Aminah realize one thing. _This war is futile. _

_We know hardly anything about titans, let alone; how a human can transform into one. And now there are rumors of a second 'shifter' in custody. 'Oh, but wait; we won't give our soldiers any information about the incident. Wouldn't want them to be prepared, would we?' Rumors like this don't simply pop out of nowhere without any kind of validity. _

_Yet we have no knowledge of who they are or what truly happened in Stohess. I'm going to guess it's because they royally screwed up and don't wish to lick their wounds publicly. If that is the case then clap ladies and gentlemen, clap for us; humanity. For constantly failing at everything._

_It feels like this world is falling apart and I have no idea what to do about it. Sometimes I wonder if I'll end up dying tomorrow, are we all going to die soon? I know that I'm just an expendable piece of flesh to be thrown to the dogs, we're all expendable, Christophe was. And Elisabeth, Dave, and Rose, and Tom are too. But that doesn't make me or them; any less valuable. If we die, more people will be thrown into the pit until no one is left to be thrown._

_It's a futile war. Man, titan, shifter, no side is winning. When the ashes settle and the new world rises; there may be nothing left for the victor to claim. So I ask myself; why am I'm still fighting this?_

_I did not do this for myself or humanity, I did it for other people. But they're all dead, so why keep going? Maybe it's that life its self is inherently meaningless and it's only natural for us to try imposing meaning on to it before we all perish? I want a purpose so badly but yet I don't even know how to go about finding it. I love my friends and I can't simply abandon them, but I want to be free of these ghosts, and I want to survive. I'm terrified and I don't want to go back. I understand now, I know why Mr. Cline never speaks about the Survey Corps expositions, I understand because now; I know what it's like to fear them._

* * *

No matter how sterile; the hospital constantly reeked of decay. She could practically smell the early stages of decomposition, blood from countless surgeries, and the festering wounds of far less fortunate soldiers. Death may have not been a stranger but that didn't mean she wasn't sick of it. All she wanted to do was leave that god forsaken excuse of hospital and run, run as far and as fast as she could until her legs gave out. And then scream till her voice died.

That's what she'd typically do under this much stress, but alas she could not. Her body was in far too poor of a condition to even walk properly at the time. So she remained drifting in and out consciousness.

As each day passed; Aminah grew more and more furious at her body for not being stronger. Eventually even becoming angry at herself for just being in agony. Although they were such silly things to be mad about; they did mange wreak serious havoc in her mind. In her clouded mind she couldn't allow herself to be weak. Not like before, not again, never again.

In her suffering; Aminah constantly wondered if the pain she'd been feeling was anything like what her father had experienced, as he laid stabbed, beaten, and alone. Aminah had thought a lot about him while in the hospital, she assumed that being around dying people all day, every day, must have triggered it. She didn't want to think about him, whenever she did it just caused her heartache. Whenever he came into her mind she almost could never think about the good. Darkness ruled the ever raging storm within her mind and no matter what; it would always find a way to take over.

Aminah knew she was lucky. At least if she had died that night, she wouldn't have been alone. She didn't and still doesn't; understand why such a good, kind man had to meet such a terrible fate. But she did, and always knew one thing, that people were cruel.

The only way it seemed Aminah could temporarily escape the horrors of the real world was in her sleep. But even the alleged mercy of sleep gave her no relief. Each time she closed her eyes the titan was waiting for her. And in each and every one of her dreams it never attacked her, in fact most of the time it would come no closer than five meters, just staring at her with its hollow, dead blue, unthinking eyes. In most dreams it would stalk her or seemingly appear out of nowhere, only to just stand there like some demented meat puppet.

All of these dreams had taken place in forest around her childhood home, leaving Aminah hopelessly homesick. Although she was disturbed by all of these dreams; one stood out from the rest. This was far more unsettling then the others. It came to her on the ninth night, the titan had caught up with her, grabbing Aminah and pinning her against a tree. But instead of killing her it spoke.

'And who are you?' It had asked, she didn't answer. 'Who are you?' The titan continued to repeat the question in its alien tongue; breathless, deep, and sounding like an echo carried by the wind. The dream had ended with her stabbing the beast's chest.

It fell, and as they laid dying on the crimson snow; the beast spoke their last words. 'I am a man, what does that make you?' Uneasy, yet with a pang of sympathy; she answered.

'No one.' She said, once spoken he died in a pool of his own blood, she had given him a similar fate to her father. Not even being merciful enough to go for the heart.

But she had gotten no pleasure from his pain. This fictionalized revenge was meaningless and had left her feeling sick. It didn't feel like she slayed the monster that had almost eaten her, but instead; killed a person. What was worse is the fact that Aminah could now only see the titan as a he, no matter how many times she tried not to.

Her father was one thing she could not force out of her mind, even just a passing thought of him would make her feel heartbreakingly lonely. She longed for guidance, she longed for her a parent at her bedside. But she knew her mother wasn't coming, she was too far away, and there were too many wounds to mend. _Why? Why did I push her away?_

_Why did she become so cold? Why did she push me so hard? Why did you tear me from my home, from my friend? Why weren't you there for me? Did you ever think of me, or was it always Kaya? _

Aminah was plagued by embarrassing crying fits and insomnia. But she couldn't help it, when surrounded by death; it is nearly impossible to not think about the ghosts that shadow you. The only source of comfort she could find during these breakdowns was her ring. It was the last piece of one of the dead, a parting gift. The wing at its center couldn't be a more fitting symbol for its previous owner, a free and unbreakable spirit.

All Aminah wanted to do was go back home. She missed the seemingly endless forest, the ever-changing river that could be silent one day and fiercely wild the next, the cool mountain air, and the foliage so brilliantly green that she has yet to see anything like it elsewhere. All she wanted to do was runaway to that house and hide. But there would be no going back, and she would have to face her demons eventually.

Too intimated to even think of attempting a conversation with the people next to her, Aminah remained self-isolated. Each day she would desperately hope for Elisabeth to return. A ray of light in the darkness was much needed, but it never came.

The only upside to this situation, if there was one. Happened to be the only person she had to keep her company. It was the nurse who tended to her daily, the very same nurse who she had met when she first woke up. Gustav was his name and he was a rather sarcastic man with a very dry sense of humor. He would come and change Aminah's bandages daily, and although he'd teach her about how to properly take care of her injures; he tended go on for too long and would often start complaining about some his colleagues.

At first these lectures and rants were quite irritating but in time they grew on her, to the point where she'd even look forward to hearing about whatever coworker had gotten on his nerves that day. She had nothing else to pass the time and her attachment was most likely do to Gustav being the only person who ever spoke a word to her. Although she hardly spoke to him he never seemed to mind, yet it wasn't in a 'glad you're quiet' kind of way but instead; an understanding that some people are just not talkative.

Aminah was grateful for that. He showed no signs of dastan who she was, which for once gave her a sense of normalcy in such an unfamiliar and public place. Despite the odd and even snide presence he had given off at first, it turned out that Gustav was actually pretty nice, if got on his good side.

That night wasn't a fluke but rather a glimpse into who he really was, underneath that harsh exterior. Gustav seemed to be the only thing that felt alive in that hospital. Everything else felt moribund. In a strange way; she would miss the odd nurse.

When Aminah took her first steps of freedom away from that dreadful military hospital, she could have sworn that all of the fresh air would cause her to swoon. Even though it was city air and not really that fresh or even that pleasant smelling, compared to the rot she suffered through for the last ten days; it might as well be the best air on the planet. She was overjoyed to smell something other than flesh and alcohol. Although she herself smelt like a corpse but that was something she would just have to ignore for now. She was almost home and that was all that really mattered.

If it weren't for the injury, Aminah would have simply walked back to the barracks. By her estimation; it was only about an hour and a half away by foot, or at least she hoped so. But she knew better than to risk her own health for the sake of pride. Besides, she didn't want to be any more miserable than she already was and she needed to help put food on the table. So instead she decided to hitchhike.

After studying her surroundings, Aminah realized that she was on the outer edges of Chlorba. Most likely not too far from the outer gate. Since the wall wasn't that far away, the road was dirt instead of cobblestone and all of the houses seemed to look a little more basic than what you'd see farther in.

It didn't take long for a merchant's wagon to approach. Aminah held out her thumb in plain view, she by all means; expected them to keep going but to her surprise they pulled right up to her and stopped. She put on her best smile, gentle and kind. Although it felt incredibly awkward, her façade was foolproof. She knew appearance was what would make or break these sorts of things, an especially good impression was needed this time since her bandages, baggy hospital clothes, and shaggy hair weren't going to help the situation at all. Aminah waved as gracefully as she possibly could with her uninjured arm, the man waved back and smiled.

He seemed to be middle aged and was slender with fair skin. His hair was mostly a dark brown but with a bit of grey creeping in. "Excuse me sir, but are you by any chance passing by Schmerz street?" She asked in such a painfully formal voice. He nodded.

"Why yes I am, you need a ride?" As if he already knew what her answer would be; he scooted over, making room for her on the front seat. She was a bit taken back by the gesture, usually people weren't this open to her. They were often hesitant or skittish as if they thought she would bite them. Something about people who were so willing to help her without a second thought scared her, sometimes more than those who looked at her differently. Not an unjustified fear, she indeed understood that often the most dangerous beasts are the ones that appear harmless.

And this man's actions made her feel a bit uneasy. But she was at least glad to know that she had a ride, even if she didn't know how to feel about its driver. Besides, she could handle herself, even if she was injured.

"Yes, I am in need of transportation." The words slid so woodenly from her mouth that it was almost painful to listen to. Aminah used her left arm to hoist herself onto the wagon and then sat down. Although her right arm laid dormant; the action still caused her entire right side to light up like a match.

"Thank you sir, for your generosity." She said sincerely yet uncomfortably. Either he didn't pick up on this or simply didn't care, it seemed like the man was just happy to have company. He commanded his two horses forward and began head down the soggy dirt road towards the inner gate. Aminah still wasn't sure what to think about him and the last thing she wanted to do was talk, she almost prayed that he wouldn't start a conversation.

_Please don't talk to me, please don't talk to me. Please don't, it always makes things worse._

She had a little luck for a while. They sat quietly for nearly thirty minutes, Aminah had since calmed down a bit and was perfectly comfortable with the silence, but it was clear that the merchant wasn't. He would glance back and forth at Aminah almost every other minute, which was quite vexing but she had unfortunately, dealt with far worse. He was clearly itching for a conversation, shifting around in his seat constantly and occasionally throwing a smile in her direction, he was clearly desperate. And eventually, after another ten minutes of shuffling and staring; he attempted to start one.

"So" he drawled, "what's your name?" _Why?_ Tongue-tied; Aminah nervously stroked her ring. _Help me_, she asked it. She couldn't look at him and even though she couldn't see his eyes; they felt far too heavy on her. She knew she had to respond, she could not risk getting kicked off this far away from home.

_Suck it up, he just asked your name, it's no big deal. Be a woman Aminah, be brave._ Besides,_ he did give me a ride, how bad could he be?_

"Aminah" she answered softly and somehow; it was the least awkward or forced thing she had said to him. It was natural.

"Aminah" He let the name roll off his tongue. "That's very pretty." Her head perked up and she dared to meet his eyes. There was a softness to them. When they met, it briefly made her worries drift away. In that moment she had forgotten her fears. In that moment she felt special.

"I've never heard it before, so different. I guess it's just as exotic as you; my dear. Where are you from?" _I should have known._

That feeling crumbled to dust. How could she possibly think that anyone besides her family and the few friends she had would ever treat her as an equal and not an 'other'.

"Wall Rose." She lowered her head, refusing to look that man in the eyes again. Though she watched him though her hair.

"No, I mean, where are you really from?" He smiled widely in a way that she assumed was an attempt at flattery but it just came off as sickening. Aminah screamed inside but she didn't dare let it show. She did not care if she was over reacting, she'd had enough. She was fed-up and so tired of all the ignorance surrounding her.

_How dare you ask where 'I'm really from'. I am not exotic and I am not your dear. You dare call me such like I am just some pretty object to possess. I am not foreign, no; I am a citizen of Wall Rose, you damn pathetic hick._

_Where did you think I came from, titan territory? I was born within these walls like everyone else. Just because I look different doesn't mean I'm not human. I've dealt with far worse but you're pathetic and you disgust me._

Although her mind was now an icy hellscape of rage; she kept these thoughts to herself. Perfectly concealed behind a faux amiable face. Remaining silent. Although she hated it when people said ignorant things, Aminah was simply unable to find the courage to stand up for herself, she couldn't even pull herself together enough to attempt correcting them. This was a fear grown mostly from experience.

Speak up and become hated. Keep speaking and become hated even more by your enemies. Remain invisible and the world will not hurt you as much.

Aminah knew that if she ignored him; he would most likely get offended and keep talking or worse, he would force her off. So as difficult as it was she put on her 'good girl' face; something so false to her, so overused, she had to resist the urge to cringe. She was awfully sick of it but she did it anyway and acted.

"A mining town, nestled within the mountains that ran along a trade route in the northwest of Wall Rose." She said as gently as possible, a bit of calmness came over her as she remembered the wild world she had left behind. Hoping he might not press any further, she turned her head away and watched the bustling of the streets. To her luck, he didn't say anything else.

Aminah had lived in the district for three years now and the crowded streets were a far cry from where she has been born. A house hidden away in the woods; not far from a town that thrived on both its natural gas and trade industry. It was a stark contrast to Chlorba to say the least.

Aminah liked Chlorba and she did call it home but she wished to return to her old one someday. Even if nothing was left. But somethings would always be the same no matter where she went. And people were one of them.

Aminah was snapped out of the peaceful trance she had drifted into about twenty minutes ago. During which she had forgotten about the merchant's comments. She had a few more moments of peace until noticing a different problem, people. Aminah saw that several of them were staring at her.

Muscles tensed, her heart kicked into overdrive; beating so fast it ached. The more Aminah glanced around, the more people she realized were staring, watching her like she didn't belong here, like she was something rare, like a criminal, like a thing. Her body had switched into flight mode, everything inside of her was telling her to run and hide but there was nowhere to go, she was trapped on a pedestal for everyone to see. Their eyes burned, each pair like an insult, mocking her for her very existence.

The weight was too much, her head throbbed and her hands began to shake. Sweat engulfed her body, gluing her clothes and hair to her skin. She couldn't take it, she couldn't have people see her like this, she couldn't be humiliated anymore, she couldn't be looked at like a caged animal. She had to fight it, she had to fight off her instincts and their screams to run. In any other situation she probably would have listened but for once in her life; it was her own body that kept her from escape.

_Be brave, be brave, don't let them get to you. Don't let them look! Don't look, don't look at them. No, stop, stop, stop looking at me!_

Drenched and trying so desperately to hide her shaking, Aminah did the only thing she could; bury her face in her hands and try to block out their ignorant, despicable, prying eyes. Unfortunately, occurrences like these weren't that uncommon whenever she entered unfamiliar places, even in Chlorba. But that made them no less terrifying and never had she been unable to escape before because her own body had her held hostage.

Once away from the crowd's demining gaze; Aminah found rest of the ride to be incredibly uncomfortable after that. She was still shaken up and the carriage would bounce and rattle quite often on the uneven, cobblestone streets. Which ended up causing Aminah a great amount of discomfort and even some mild pain, she obviously knew it wasn't good for her ribs. But in the end she got to her destination faster and with far less damage than if she'd walked.

The merchant stopped about four blocks from the barracks, Aminah was lucky that he happened to stop so close. "This is where I have to stop." He said with an apologetic look, Aminah gave him a faux smile.

She had forced herself to try and let it go. Although not completely over it; by now she was mostly over his stupidity, mostly. In an almost painful gesture; Aminah looked him in the eyes.

"That's alright, my destination is not far from here. Thank you sir, for your magnanimous generosity." Aminah replied stiffly and courteously, even though his eyes held no malice she was glad to break all contact with them once she finished speaking. Although he was still ignorant gutter trash and although she hated to admit it; Aminah was grateful for his help.

She climbed out of the wagon rather clumsily, her feet slammed onto the ground and for a moment she lost her balance, nearly falling over. After regaining her footing; she collected herself and stood up straight. And was quite surprised by the lack of any sharp pain in her ribs. She heard the wagon take off behind her and "Goodbye", she didn't bother to look back.

Aminah began to go down the sidewalk, testing her out ribs. They felt rather sore but it wasn't anything she couldn't deal with, although the pain still caused her to slightly hunch over as she walked. Several more uncomfortable minutes later, she reached the building.

She pulled back the door and slipped in, only to notice that standing between her and the hallway was a tall brawny woman; examining her nails. Aminah froze up at the mere sight of her. "Ms. Granger how are you doing." The woman looked up at her and did a double take, like she was shocked that Aminah was talking to her.

"So it talks." Ms. Granger said sarcastically. Now Aminah was confused.

"What?"

"Two years you've lived here and I've never heard you utter one word till just now. But who knows, maybe your chatterbox friend always spoke over you." Aminah doubted that but she did wonder if she really was that quiet.

"Okay, are Dave and Elisabeth here or will I need the key?" She tried to hid any awkwardness despite feeling the pressure of the guard's stare. Ms. Granger smiled and brushed a stand of auburn hair from her face.

"You get straight to the point, I like that. Blondie and angst are here so you don't have to worry about a key."

"I'll get going then. Bye." Aminah passed Ms. Granger and made her way down the hallway. When at the door she knocked.

"Who is it?" A groggy feminine voice that was clearly Elisabeth's called from behind the door.

"Humanity's one winged savoir, king of the world beyond the walls, and master of learning how to write with their opposite hand in one day, Commander handsome. Couldn't you feel my manly aura?" The girl teased, only to have the door swing open so fast on her that she was nearly knocked off her feet.

"Aminah!" Elisabeth squealed in delight. She lunged forward to hug her friend but stopped mid action; remembering Aminah's less than sound condition. "You're never goanna let that go, are you?" She said as she lowered her arms.

"Never, and it's good to see you too. But can we please continue this conversation after I sit down?"

"Yeah, Davey's sleeping so just don't be too loud." Aminah cocked an eyebrow at this. Elisabeth sighed. "You get the point."

Aminah's hand was taken by the blonde who helped stabilize and guide her inside their incredibly small, barren, dorm. Aminah sat down on her bunk, reveling in the fact that she was finally home. She cared not for the itchy fabric or its ancient smell, she just let the bed envelope her, knowing now that she did not have to worry about anything.

"Well, welcome home, if I knew you'd be back so soon I would have bought you a pastry or something. Hospital food's the worst, am I right?" Elisabeth's initial excitement quickly watered down, washing away to reveal a girl who seemed exhausted and stressed out; no matter how hard she tried to hide it. Aminah was worried as to why she was like this.

"I'm sorry I didn't visit you again. I tried to sneak back in but I was caught." This time Elisabeth didn't try as hard to keep disappointment from her face, either that or maybe her poker face was wearing thin. Aminah wasn't sure which one it was.

"Don't worry about it, I know that you would have come if it were possible." Aminah replied in all sincerity. She hoped this would at least make her feel a little better. "Buy the way, how's Dave been?"

"Well I can't speak for him so you'll just have to ask him yourself." She said tiredly but for some reason Elisabeth still darted towards Dave's bunk.

"Elisabeth, let the poor guy rest." Aminah called out but it was too late, Elisabeth was already shaking Dave, who was buried beneath the sheets. Dave jolted awake, furiously swatting away at the sheets. Disheveled; he glared at Elisabeth before turning his attention to Aminah.

He gave her a somber look only to have it swiftly transform into shock. Dave slowly walked to Aminah, dropped to his knees and gently took her right arm, staring at the appendage like it was an extra. Aminah found the situation very odd to say the least. And had absolutely no idea what Dave was doing or thinking. "Your arm it's…. there?!"

Now Aminah understood what was going on. And she was not pleased.

"Elisabeth! I was joking when I asked you to tell him it was amputated!" She spat bitterly, Elisabeth's whole demeanor had changed within a matter of seconds, she was now laughing hysterically. Both Aminah and Dave on the other hand weren't amused at all. Well, that was an understatement for Dave.

"What, that was all a joke?!" Dave's face was scarlet, the expression upon it was a toxic mixture between anger and embarrassment. "Fuck you Elisabeth! You had me worrying this entire time, I thought she would be mentally scarred for life!"

"Oh, lighten up. It was just a joke." Elisabeth said so calmly; that it managed to tick Dave off even more.

"Damn it Elisabeth, that wasn't funny. Everything Aminah just went through wasn't funny, do you think that if she…" Now Aminah realized that she need to keep this from getting out of hand and honestly; she didn't want think about what Dave was going to say next.

"Dave, calm down. Elisabeth, apologize to him." Aminah said sternly, gesturing to Dave with a slight tilt of the head. Elisabeth in return; rolled her eyes.

"Sorry Dave, I shouldn't have scared you like that." It was sincere, even though it sounded half assed. But that was all Aminah needed to bring the peace back. Somehow; she would always end up playing peacekeeper when put into a group, and the same was true most of the time with these two.

Dave and Elisabeth had known each other ever since they were six and five. They rarely left each other's side and commonly held hands. This often led people to believe they were a couple or at the very least friends with benefits, it was almost funny how far those could be from the truth. Although their bond is an incredibly strong one; it wasn't uncommon for their very different personalities to clash. Luckily for them and everyone else; animosity never lasted long, two days at most.

"Okay, now that's settled; it's time for a proper reunion. Hello Dave." Aminah waved and Dave waved right back. A smile was starting to creep its way onto his lips.

"Hey, Aminah. How are you feeling?" Dave asked as Elisabeth slid onto the bed right beside Aminah, practically leaving no space between them. Dave gave her a dirty look but Elisabeth just grinned, Aminah rolled her eyes.

"Cut it out you two." She warned "I'm sore and not in the mood to put up with your pettiness." The grin faded from Elisabeth's face while Dave's eyes drifted to the ceiling as he sat on the floor, he then motioned for her to continue.

"Alright, I think. Nearly dying is nothing that I can't handle." Aminah chuckled darkly, this weirded out both of her companions just a bit. "It was awful, but I feel better now that I'm sitting down."

"So, how long are you going to be out?" Dave asked as he nervously ran a hand though his curly longish black hair, it was a habit Aminah had noticed early in their trainee days. But she wasn't sure why he would be nervous.

"About three months, at least. But I'm debating whether or not I should stay out for longer. I want to get back on my feet as quickly as possible but maybe I need time to think. I don't know, I just don't want to be a dead weight." He looked uncomfortable, like he had something he needed to say.

"Dave, what's wrong?" She asked uneasily. There was a feeling in the pit of her stomach that she wouldn't like the answer.

"You're okay right, with staying in the Garrison? This whole situation hasn't made you think about transferring to the Military Police, right?" Aminah was taken aback by his comment, Dave knew that she had no interest in the Military Police. Transferring had never crossed her mind and was never an option.

If Selena could graduate at number one and join the Survey Corps as a 'fuck you' to the MP's. Or at least that's what Aminah thought her reason was. Then Aminah believed she had no right to cower either. If Selena could be brave; Aminah could too.

"Ha, no, no. Do you think that this little wound would send me crying to the king." She scoffed in a poor attempt to mask her true feelings on the subject. "That's ridiculous." Dave replied to the dismissal with a soft, bitter sweet smile while Elisabeth placed a feather light hand on her bandaged shoulder.

"Aminah, you don't have to play tough for us. I mean, you almost died. If anyone has the right to be cowardly it's you… not that I'm saying you're a coward or anything. Look, we're all a bit shaken up over what's happened." He paused. "If you want to transfer I'll support you."

His words almost offended her, in a measly petty sort of way. She would never admit it though. Instead of comfort; he was twisting a knife. But this time she wouldn't run away with her tail between her legs like everyone expected her too. She was no longer that weak little girl, and she was tired of being told what to do.

"I'll support you too." Elisabeth chimed in. Aminah sat dumbfounded, it was grating that after all the years they've spent together; her friends would think she'd so easily abandon the Garrison. She gave her heart to that regiment and she wouldn't jump ship out of fear. Not this time.

"Look, I'm not going anywhere. Just because I was attacked doesn't mean I'm going to leave. I knew what I chose that night and I knew the risks." She simply put it. There was nothing more she had or wanted to say about the subject.

Dave looked at her with frantic eyes; their grey-blue color turning wild as the sea, despite everything else about him being restrained. "Although no one wants to be the one who does it; I think that sometimes it's alright to run away, sometimes it's the only thing that keeps us alive." His voice lowered as somberness took over. All was quiet; Aminah felt a slow, insidious, ache spread through her chest. She finally understood why they were having this conversation.

"Dave." Aminah's voice went hollow. "Please don't bring Christophe into this." Aminah's eyes were on the verge of glassing as she tried to fight off memories of him, the struggle to keep her emotions in line was even physically painful. Mentioning that name alone was like pulling at the stiches.

"Alright." Dave sighed. He didn't want to end up arguing and he certainly didn't want to think about Christophe anymore, so he just left it there.

"When I said I'd support you; I didn't mean I wanted you to transfer." Aminah gave Elisabeth an understanding nod. "The last thing I'd want to do is break up what's left of our little rose garden." Elisabeth said lightly albeit a bit dramatic.

Both girls noticed Dave's fixated gaze on the floor; seemingly lost in thought. They knew it meant he was never thinking of anything pleasant. So it was time to snap him out of it or else he would fall down the rabbit hole and end up bumming himself out. "Dave, what are you thinking about?" Elisabeth reeled him out, tapping his knee with her toe.

"Isn't funny how seven of us out of the top ten; chose the Garrison instead of wasting are talent for a boring life of safety or using that talent to the fullest with the ridiculously brave and stupid." Dave saw Aminah shift uncomfortably in her seat. Although unsure if it was the comment or her injuries; he instantly regretted calling the Survey Corps stupid.

He had a brief lapse in judgment and hoped that he didn't just dig up anything painful. Aminah still wasn't completely over her loss. "Aminah I shouldn't have said…"

"Dave, you worry too much about my feelings. I am not fragile. If I was; I would be titan fodder." She reassured him with a smile, letting him know that she was neither offended nor upset. "Go back to what you were saying."

"I was saying that we weren't cowardly enough for the Military Police and not brave enough for the Survey Corps, so we all decided to live a life where we would rarely put our lives on the line, especially here in the cold. So what does that make us? Reluctant cowards, semi cowards?"

Out of what seemed like nowhere; Aminah suddenly burst out laughing, startling the two. Once over the initial shock, Elisabeth chuckled along with her, leaving Dave to look on in confusion. "Davey, you're being a real downer today." Dave winced at Elisabeth usage of his full name. "Lighten up, we should be celebrating, not questioning the morality of are career choices."

"Sorry about that, I was just over thinking. You know how I get sometimes; contemplate life too much and end up offending a small mob because I say the world's not flat. None of you are cowards, not Tom, not Bruno, not Dutch, not Ivonne, and" he sighed "not even Archer."

"Nothing to be sorry about. But are you seriously still angry at Archer?" Elisabeth asked, her devious grin on full display.

"Angry is not really the right term but wouldn't you feel kind of bitter if someone dumped you, said that we could still be friends and then pretended like you didn't exist." You could practically hear the distain dripping from his voice.

"Man, you really need to let that go. What was that, like three years ago?"

"Three and a half to be exact. She dumped me June sixteenth." Both girls stared at him like he had just admitted to storing dead cats in a closet.

"My, you're almost as bad as me. Dave, that's not healthy. But I'm not one to talk about such things." Aminah said.

"I don't… okay you're right." He reluctantly admitted.

The smile on Elisabeth's lips was now faltering. Threating to fall with each passing moment. "It's a good idea, talking to her. I think it might get your mind off things." They looked to each other, Dave gave her an agreeing nod; though his eyes said differently.

The suggestion could never keep his mind off the current pain. That was something they all knew. Aminah saw the trauma written on their faces. How couldn't she have realized that they were suffering too? Was she really that selfish?

All was quiet. In her brief time back; Aminah had noticed a change in them. Occasionally an empty look would appear in their eyes. They all seemed unusually worn-out, not just in demeanor but in appearance too. And for some inexplicable reason; it felt as if they had all aged a year.

"Do you guys ever regret joining the military?" Aminah said softly as she scanned their meager room.

"No." Dave said without hesitation.

"I don't think we're children anymore." Aminah and Dave were confused but the random statement. Elisabeth stared off into space. And for a minute they all sat in silence.

Aminah tilted her head and met Dave's stormy eyes. They looked back but he still said nothing. The silence was almost suffocating, drowning them all in misery.

Unable to take it anymore; it clicked in Aminah's brain that this would be a good time to at least attempt lightening the mood. She glanced at Elisabeth before turning back to Dave. "Hey, Dave."

She grinned, it's somewhat forced nature causing it to accidently come off as maniacal. "Elisabeth has a crush on commander eyebrows." In a split second the girl in question turned from dismal to flustered. With her mouth agape; her face began to burn red from embarrassment. Dave on the other hand seemed to become more and more pleased by this each second.

"HA, HA!" He let out an awkward, somewhat fake sounding laugh. "That's great Aminah, you made my day. First returning from the dead and now telling me about Elisabeth's hopeless crush, you really are the best friend a guy could have."

Elisabeth was hanging on to Aminah's smelly yet pristinely white shirt, both giving her a look and seemingly mouthing 'how could you do this to me?' She merely laughed at the question. "I would have kept my lips sealed but when you decided to pull that little prank of yours; I changed my mind. It's best to consider it as payed debt."

Elisabeth huffed and straightened her shirt. "Come on Elisabeth, if we aren't children anymore then let's celebrate the death of childhood." Dave said as he stood and stretched his back. "Because were all miserable and have no shred of innocence left in us. So we should at least try to have fun with letting that ship sink."

"Yeah!" Aminah said to the blonde beside her. "Why not have fun closing one chapter of our lives."

"I don't know when but I considered my childhood over a while ago. Not because of some loss of innocence but because I always felt like I needed to grow up fast. Don't know why. Anyways, with the things I do; it would be kind of weird if I still thought of myself as a kid."

Dave stuck his hand out, Elisabeth copied the gesture and place her hand over his, Aminah then did the same. "So long, you piece of shit." Dave said in an oddly cheerful manner, both girls gave him a perplexed look but neither lingered on it so Elisabeth continued.

"Bye." She stated like and heiress kicking out a loiter. And now it was Aminah's turn.

She tried to recall every single bad thing in her life just so she could take this opportunity to cast it all out. Trying to bring back so many things at once, let alone bad things; was starting make her head throb. She ran out of time, not wanting to draw attention; she dropped everything and went.

"Good bye." And with those words came the illusion of childhoods end.

The rest of their day was mostly made up of playing cards while Dave and Elisabeth gossiped about the many little interesting and petty things that had happened since Aminah's hospitalization. And for Aminah; it was a much welcomed change from horrors of that dreaded place. She found herself becoming increasingly immersed in the games they played, for they kept her mind of all the bizarre and terrifying things going on in the world. For once in the past four months, she forgot about how the world seemed to be falling apart.

Elisabeth brought out wine that she had been saving for a special occasion, it was a gift from an 'acquaintance' of hers. Although they were allegedly supposed to be celebrating, none of them drank much since both Dave and Elisabeth were on duty the next day and Aminah knew better than to try and drink her sorrows away. She did that once and the end result was highly embarrassing to say the least.

But it was a nice treat and luckily none of them decided to repeat drunken history. They talked until it was almost obligatory for them to go to sleep.

Elisabeth taking the top and Aminah claiming the bottom. She had actually chosen the bottom bunk since she was paranoid of falling off the top because of this recurring dream she had kept having as a trainee; where she would always fall off and snap her neck. So she gladly gave Elisabeth the top, even though the girl could have cared less.

At the end of that tiresome day, Aminah sank into her bed and drifted into a deep sleep.

* * *

The air was bone dry, the dark ominous sky looked as if it would promise rain, though such a promise would undoubtedly never come. Aminah found herself in the middle of a vast, arid, rocky plain. The clouds blocked out any ray sunlight. The wind blew so hard it felt like sand was piercing in her skin, trying to burrow its way into her flesh and bones.

Standing there confused; looking for anyone or anything, she tried to gather her thoughts and figure out the situation. Yet nothing seemed alive in this world, there were no animals or plants to be seen, just rocks and dust. Even the air somehow felt dead. Aminah thought that there must be life somewhere, she herself was alive after all. So she scanned her surroundings; searching this parched, hellish world.

Her eyes stopped and focused on small a figure in green that seemed several kilometers away. Aminah took a step towards it, but when she did so; she was startled to find that her body was nearly weightless. As alien and disconcerting as it was; she managed to quickly shrug off the odd sensation and ran on her impossibly light legs in the figure's direction.

She covered the space between them in seemingly no time, and once there; she stopped just a few meters away from the cloaked figure. Of course, for as it was in ingrained so deeply into her nature; she stood in a manner that would make fleeing easy as she cautiously waited for them to make the first move. Their back was still turned to her, Aminah could see a Survey Corps insignia on the cloak, they still had their hood up; which was bothering her for some reason that she couldn't explain.

She needed to know what was under it, something about them made her frustrated. Aminah, whether out of bravery or stupidity; mustered up the courage to move first. Ever so slowly and cautiously; she closed the distance between them and then hesitantly touched the figure in green's shoulder. Once contact was made they whipped their body around so fast that Aminah spooked and jumped backwards. Their faces met, and the person under the hood turned out to be nothing more than a frightened young woman.

Her wild eyes calmed once she looked directly into Aminah's. She removed her hood. Aminah realized that this woman was like her and that she knew her somehow, but yet she couldn't quite recognize her. Aminah studied the woman's face, she was of pale olive skin, dark reddish-brown eyes, and thick curly; raven hair.

She looked back to her eyes; something in them reflected warmth for just a split second. That's when it finally hit her. She was looking at Kaya, a hardened, twenty-two-year-old version of her sister; who was now almost unrecognizable. She was much taller now, nearly as tall as Aminah. Her face was no longer round but sharp and angular as if it had been carved from stone.

But the there was something wrong about her and it was all in the eyes. What was once filled with fire had turned to ash; reflecting an empty shell of her former self. These were eyes that looked like they had been through hell and back multiple times, and had seen too many pyrrhic victories. These were not the same fiery eyes Aminah knew.

Aminah's heart swelled with a violent slew of emotions, nostalgia, grief, pity, longing, tenderness, anguish, love, and hatred. She grabbed Kaya passionately and pulled her into a powerful embrace. Aminah held on to her so tightly that her arms began to burn but she didn't care. This time Aminah wasn't going to let anyone hurt her again.

But something didn't seem right. Aminah's hold had become loser but her arms were still as tight as ever. She pulled her head back to look at Kaya; only to be faced with the fading image of her sister, becoming smaller in her arms until her beloved disintegrated into nothingness.

In pure shock; Aminah found that she could do nothing more than stand there. Shaking violently, soul hollowed. To relose what she had loved most once again; had to be some kind horrible, disgustingly, cruel joke. A shadow had come seven years ago, and then darkness took over in three.

A cry broke though the wind, it awoke Aminah from the shock. The cry was that of a girl, her voice sounded so strange, so familiar yet so alien. Shakily; she got up wrapping her arms around her shoulders as a way of trying to comfort herself. She staggered her way towards the cry. Following it to a pile of large eroded rocks at the mouth of a cave.

As she walked amongst the withered stone; the crying stopped. There was another thing she couldn't explain, but for some reason she felt drawn to one stone in particular. It was shaped like a melting crescent moon and was twice as tall as her. She walked right over to it and glided a hand over its surprisingly smooth surface. After examining the odd stone; she crouched down peered under it.

She was greeted with the sight of a pomegranate of all things. An absolutely normal pomegranate. Aminah was so relieved and astonished that this time it wasn't some kind of awful false image of a child. Just a random pomegranate.

She picked the fruit up to study. It looked normal, felt normal, which almost made it seem out of place in this odd and terrible world. Aminah stroked her thumb against its skin, and instantaneously it became warm. Startled by the sudden change; she paused. It no longer seemed normal, it seemed unnervingly alive.

A pulse between her fingers began to beat. As unsettling as it was; she felt a strange need to keep holding on to it. It continued to beat louder and louder until the small pulse died out. All warmth slipped away from the peculiar fruit.

The pomegranate then melted into blood.

The vile liquid crept up her hands; coating them past the wrists. Aminah stared at them; horrified. She fell on her back as her eyes welled with tears. She began to hysterically rub her bloodied hands across the ground but to no avail.

She sat there on her knees; sobbing pathetically as she hopelessly tried to wipe the blood off her hands. It was useless; the blood clung to her no matter what. So eventually; Aminah reluctantly gave up, crying and with her hands stained with blood. She wondered if this was punishment.

As the minutes pasted by; it became warmer. The temperature continued to climb until the air became unbearably hot. Adding to her already terrible situation; the humidity became so thick it began to choke Aminah, causing her to lurch forward and retch uncontrollably.

The misery never seemed to end. She felt light headed and her world began to tilt. It was now so hot; that her skin began to burn. The heat only continued to swell until it reached its breaking point.

The dark clouds above her were dyed black as the air became dangerously static, ready to blow at any moment. All that energy was then released, the sky ferociously erupted into a defanging symphony of hundreds of lightning strikes, each strike shook the earth violently. The hellish fortissimo repeated itself so hastily; that the sound of each strike synchronized as the ground continuously vibrated.

Aminah covered her ears in a futile attempt to drown it all out, this did nothing to lessen the constant assault on her ears. Unable to take it anymore, unable to take any of this; she screamed. Synchronizing her agony with the roaring thunder. She screamed in the hope that this nightmare would finally end. It wouldn't, the worst hadn't even come yet.

The lighting finally ceased, the ground no longer shook, and the air cooled. It was now silent as the grave. Aminah thought this was it, it was all over now. She looked up, oh how wrong she was.

What little relief she had just gained; shattered with the turn of her head. To her left was a massive horde of titans about three hundred meters away and closing in on her. Aminah jumped up and made a mad dash towards the cave; only to discover that the entrance had been blocked off.

Now she had no choice but to run. This time her feet weren't light, nor was she inhumanly fast. In another cruel and unusual twist; this world was only allowing her to run as fast as she could in the real world at a time where it was a huge inconvenience.

She only made it two hundred meters before realizing there was no escape. Titans were coming in from every direction, she couldn't out run them. Now she would know what it was like to meet your end by them. "It's just a dream, it's just a dream, it's ju…"

She wept, it may have been just a dream but it felt as real as it could possibly be. Aminah gave up and stood there, waiting for them in the hope that if she died; the dream would end. The titans were now just forty meters away. Aminah curled her bloody hands into fists, fighting every bone in her body not to run. She forced herself to stop crying and fought the urge to start again.

_If they have me now; it will all be over. Don't cry when it happens. I bet he didn't cry._

She closed her eyes and uncurled her fists, suddenly there was a light thud next to her. Aminah opened her eyes to see a young man; also clad in a Scouting Legion uniform right next to her. He turns to face her; unforgettable steely grey eyes meet hers, still passionate, still lively, and still unbroken, she recognizes him instantly.

"Christophe..." Another aged up ghost from her past, though he looked mostly the same. Same dark red-brown hair, same fair skin, and the same cocky 'I can do anything' look on his face. Just a bit taller; although he was still shorter than her, and with a more matured appearance. He gave her a gentle smile and she wondered; how could something that made her feel so good once, be so unnerving? Titans were right on top on them and he just smiles like there's nothing wrong?

Christophe's presence did nothing to calm her, as a matter of fact; it only made things worse. She was shaking and her heart was now beating so rapidly; it felt as if it could give out at any moment. Christophe's expression finally changed when he realized there was a titan right next to them; staring with its blank eyes. Fear began to creep upon his features, all confidence he seemed to have had crumbled into dust.

He looked at Aminah, face frightened and mournful; yet still filled with some underlining hope that Aminah could never understand. Christophe reached out and took her bloodied hand, at his touch she stopped shaking. Their hands intertwined with each other, holding on for dear life. They looked to each other, the sky and the earth met once again.

Her heart slowed and muscles loosened as his warmth enveloped her hand. Consumed by the dream in front of her very eyes instead of the nightmare surrounding her. As confused as she was; Aminah couldn't help but become lost in the moment. And in that moment; she didn't question why he acted as if the blood on her hands was invisible, in that moment she had forgotten about the impending doom that surrounded them. Right now; all she could think about was the fact that she was back with one of the few people who ever understood her. The ground shook, snapping Aminah out of her love sick delusion.

Christophe's eyes nervously darted across the desolate landscape. He quickly turned his attention back to Aminah, lifting her hand and gently kissing it. In unison; their hands unraveled. He began to back away; never breaking eye contact with her, Aminah held on to his gaze as if it were the only thing that could make him stay. She no longer cared that all of this was an illusion, right now all she wanted was a little more time, even though she knew he was never here and would never be coming back.

He stopped and gave a pitiful smile. Yearning was written all across his face. Struck with the same feeling; Aminah found herself fighting the urge to follow him.

"Aminah, never give up." His words were a plea, one she desperately needed to hear. He then shot his ODM gear into one of the titans.

In what was almost a blur; Christophe flew up and gouged the titan's eyes out. The beast howled in pain as it made pathetic attempts to grab him with its thin, flailing arms. This titan was nowhere near a match for the swift soldier. After leaving his blades in the slow titan's sockets; Christophe restocked and leapt off its face, launching his hooks deep within its neck; he prepared for the kill.

Seconds from a clean kill; another titan grabbed one of Christophe's cables, violently yanking him from his target like a rag doll. Once again powerless to do anything, Aminah looked on in horror. There was nothing she could do but think about why this kept happening, why did she always fail to protect the ones she loved, and why was she so terribly useless. She wasn't capable of saving Christophe in the real world and she knew she couldn't save the illusion. She coldly accepted his demise but this made it no less painful to watch.

They locked eyes one last time. Aminah saw an expression that she had never seen from him before. Pure and utter terror.

In a way, it was similar to how he came to her the last time they ever saw each other. But this time she wouldn't have the luxury of not being there to witness the end. Unable to look away; she watched as the titan shoved Christophe; kicking, screaming, and sobbing into its abominable mouth. As the titan's jaws began to descend on him; he screamed.

"Help me!"

And just like that, the titan swallowed him right in front of her.

She let out a guttural scream. Everything hurt, once again it felt like a part of her very being had just withered away into nothingness. She knew he was going to die and knew he wasn't real, so why did this feel like she had lost the real Christophe all over again? She didn't know, and at the moment she was too broken to think about why. All she knew was that this had to end.

She waited for the titans to come and consume her too, but they for some reason they didn't. Aminah looked up and witnessed the titans standing in a perfect circle around her, all of them perfectly still. And all of them peering down at her with their uncanny faces. The wind rises, violently shifting from mild to a gale force in an instant. So harsh; it bruised Aminah's skin, somehow though the wind she heard the flapping of wings.

Vultures descended from the sky, one landing on her after the other. Pecking at her flesh and covering her body in scratches as they attempted to consume her alive. More continued to follow, until she was being assaulted by an entire swarm. No matter how many times she swatted them; the unnatural creatures never let up. Screaming, she covered her eyes to keep them from being clawed out.

Amidst the pain; Aminah could feel her feet become entrapped, followed by the sensation of sinking. On impulse and forgetting her fear of being blinded, she tore her hands away from her eyes and opened them. Her feet were buried in the ground, and the sand only seemed to be getting closer. She realized what was happening, begging for it to stop as the ground slowly swallowed her. She screamed louder and louder until the dry earth consumed her whole.

Silencing her cries.

* * *

Aminah awoke violently, screaming, scratching, and hitting the hands that touched her.

"Aminah stop, it was just a dream!" Dave's plea went unheard as she continued to scream madly. Frightened and unable to comprehend that the people touching her were not only trying to help but also her friends, she lashed out; punching Dave in the nose. He moaned loudly in pain, falling off Aminah's bunk. Elisabeth grabbed her hands in an attempt to restrain the ballistic girl but Aminah broke free of her grip and scratched Elisabeth under her left eye.

"Ouch! Oh fuck that hurt!" It stung and was deep enough to draw blood. Elisabeth's injury was enough for Dave. He knew there was only one way to snap her out of this; so he jumped back into the lion's den.

"I'm so sorry for this." WHACK

He slapped her across the face. Suddenly her mind jolted back into reality, Aminah stopped screaming and lowered her hands. Terrified one second, wide awake with a burning cheek and both friends staring at her like she was a madwoman the next, Aminah was absolutely lost. Elisabeth was cupping her cheek while Dave held a hand to his nose, both were drenched in sweat and looked as if they had just wrestled a wild boar. She then noticed that she too was soaked.

"What happened?" Aminah asked exhausted and with a mixture of confusion and fear. But mostly confusion.

"You had one hell of a bad dream. We woke up to you screaming. So we tried to wake you up for a solid three minutes and when you finally did; you started trying to tear our eyes out. You got Dave real good in the nose." Aminah got out of bed and approached Dave, taking his hand from his nose.

"Is it broken?" She asked feeling incredibly ashamed. In the dim moonlight she couldn't tell what damage she'd caused.

"Don't worry it's not." Dave tried to reassure her but to no avail. Aminah looked over at Elisabeth, with just enough moonlight illuminating her face; Aminah faintly made out the lines of the scratch she had left. Guilt bottled up inside her. She went to Elisabeth and examined the wound.

"I did this?" She saw three red lines laying upon Elisabeth's cheek and a small amount of blood dripping from each of them. They had come dangerously close to her eye.

"Yes you did, but hey, don't feel bad about it." Elisabeth said as if it was no problem at all, which to her it hadn't been. Aminah thought the opposite and couldn't help but feel awful. Shamefully tears began to escape her eyes, she was so tired of crying but there was no way for her to stop it. The only thing on her mind was how could she have done this; she had hurt her friends when all they did was try to help her.

"I'm sorry, I'll take you to see a medic." Aminah staggered towards the door. Dave and Elisabeth followed her.

"Aminah, it's all right. I can take care of it. Aminah please stop…" Her hand slipped from the doorknob and she sighed, slumping her shoulders in defeat.

"Go back to bed, you two need to get some sleep." Aminah said hoarsely.

"What about you? Dave asked.

"I'll be fine. Besides it doesn't matter."

"Doesn't matter? Of course it matters, you woke up screaming. I don't understand why you're always so dense." Dave sighed. "Please, if you just tell me what's going on then maybe I can help you."

"Davey, just go…"

"Dave, I'll stay with her, go to bed." Elisabeth interrupted, Dave looked at her and then back at Aminah.

"Are you sure? You need to sleep too." She playfully bumped into him.

"Of course I'm sure, you…."

"I don't need to be babysat." Aminah tried to walk back to her bunk only for Elisabeth to block her.

"Girl, you've got a serious problem. And you're not going back to sleep until we sort it out." Elisabeth said with all seriousness, Aminah furrowed her thick brows and gave the other girl a questioning look.

"Really Elisabeth, did you just attempt to threaten me with sleep deprivation?" Aminah stated dryly.

"Yes" Elisabeth replied in an odd, squeaky tone. Aminah chuckled quietly, yet there was a bleakness to it.

"Don't try to threaten people Elisabeth; unless you can blackmail them, or else you'll just end up sounding cute." Both of them relaxed a bit, Aminah no longer tried to get past her and Elisabeth stopped guarding the bunk.

"You can leave now Dave, I'll handle this." Dave took the opportunity to go back to bed, albeit reluctantly.

"Alright, but wake me up if you need help." And on that note; he buried himself within the sheets, leaving Aminah and Elisabeth to their own devices. Elisabeth pressed her fingers against the scratch, checking to see whether or not it was still bleeding. Guilt swelled inside Aminah, making her feel ill.

"I'm sorry about that." Aminah said flatly as she leaned against the bunk.

"Don't worry about it. It wasn't your fault."

"Don't try to tell…" Elisabeth cut her off.

"Aminah you were disoriented, you didn't know what you were doing. Save your regrets for things you do while fully conscious." She was right, Aminah attempted to accept that even though it was difficult.

"Why don't we go out to the courtyard, you could probably use some fresh air." Elisabeth suggested. She reluctantly nodded in agreement, Elisabeth grabbed her keys and they headed out the door. Aminah's whole body protested as they walked down the hallway, despite the pain she continued without complaint. They stopped at the door and Elisabeth proceeded to force the stubborn thing open.

As it swung open; Aminah felt the warm summer breeze brush against her skin. Elisabeth stepped out onto the grass, Aminah closed the door behind them. They made their way to a tree and sat down beneath it. Her body began to relax from the strain being removed, and for a minute they remained close together in silence, watching the faint light of the stars. Aminah's mind began to drift away from her troubles, until Elisabeth interrupted.

"Sooo..." Elisabeth drawled, "I know you're not going to like this, but we have to get it over with." Aminah sighed, she knew what she meant and knew that she would force her to have a long talk about it. "You dreamed about the attack, didn't you?" Aminah had known that was what she would have thought as it was the most logical conclusion and surprisingly; Aminah would have much rather dreamed of it. That would have made things much easier.

In reality it was far more complicated than simply reliving one horrifying moment from her life. It was going to be hard to explain all of this to Elisabeth, and Aminah was frightened. Some of the things she had dreamed about were subjects she hadn't even spoken of in years. It was already bad enough to see her demons again and the last thing she wanted to do was talk about them. Aminah shook her head from side to side in disagreement. Elisabeth looked puzzled.

"Then what was it about?" She tilted her head to the side in a manner you commonly see in confused dogs. Aminah eyes nervously darted around until they finally met Elisabeth's, she sighed and gave her friend an irritated look.

Aminah tore her gaze from Elisabeth and began to fidget with her hair. "It was personal… please do I really have to talk about it?" Elisabeth tucked her short blonde hair behind her ears, straightened her back, and rested her hands upon her hips. Aminah was very familiar with what the change in body language meant. It signified that she was in for a lecture and probably a long one.

"Well if it's personal you've got two options, one talk about it and let it out of your system in a healthy way, or two keep it all in until it explodes at the worst possible time. Which will you choose princess?" Elisabeth's rejoinder didn't seem to have any effect on Aminah as she just continued to braid and unbraid her hair.

"Come on Aminah, stop playing with your hair and listen!" Elisabeth shouted in her ear.

The volume and closeness of her voice shocked Aminah; causing her to jump back. "What the hell was that for?" Aminah raised her voice but tried to keep the volume minimal.

"Listen, you are going to talk about your locked up emotional bullcrap even if it takes all night. You know what, I can wait longer than that if needed." Elisabeth responded while still hovering by Aminah's ear.

"I was listening, and don't yell in my ear." Aminah retorted angrily, giving Elisabeth the closest thing to a death glare she could muster. "Elisabeth, personal space; you're invading it." She lifted up her hands and made a small pushing gesture towards Elisabeth; who reluctantly backed away.

"Okay, I won't do that again. Now tell me about your dream." She demanded quite abruptly. It felt like stones were gathering in the pit of her stomach, Aminah wondered if there was any use in talking about it. To her; forgetting seemed like the best option.

"It's complicated. There are some things I don't even know how to describe." That was all she could say for now. Even though she wished she could leave it at that, Aminah knew she would have to go into more detail.

"If it's really that bad; you know you can be vague about it. But holding it in will just make things worse, trust me I know." Elisabeth took Aminah's hand. "You know you can tell me anything."

"I know" It was true that she could tell Elisabeth anything. The girl had seen Aminah at her best and worst. Stuck beside her on the brightest and darkest of days. And guided her through the most personal decision she had ever made. Even though she didn't wish to speak, Aminah had realized that if anyone could help her; it would be Elisabeth.

So with great reluctance, Aminah chose to talk. "In my dream I saw a cruel imitation, a specter of Kaya. She was an adult; dressed in a Survey Corps uniform, beautiful but hollow. I had to look at the person she'll never be. And when I touched her; she vanished, this thing that resembled her too much just left me."

It seemed that even in the worlds she had created in her mind; the dead could not be raised. She hadn't talked about Kaya to anyone but Rose in a while, possibly a year. So Aminah was betting on Elisabeth being surprised by this. She was also betting on Elisabeth to come to the conclusion that there was more to the dream than that.

"What else?" Aminah faked a look of confusion, as if she hadn't heard Elisabeth's question correctly. But she quickly came to her senses and realized that avoiding questions was childish. She cut it out and tried to prepare herself for what was probably going to be difficult interrogation. "Come on Aminah, no one freaks out in the middle of the night just because their dream is depressing."

"Of course you have to know me so well." Aminah squeezed Elisabeth's hand and looked her straight in the eyes. "Christophe was there, I had to watch..." She tailed off but still dared to show no emotion.

Although she never spoke of him; it was obvious when Aminah had him on her mind. She would always get this look of yearning and would stare off into space. It had been three years and yet her emotional state would suggest it had been under one. Try as she might; the suffering would continue, no matter what she remained powerless to take away the pain as the shadow clung tighter to the her.

Honestly, Aminah was surprised that she had just spoken his name. It felt surreal since the name was almost like a taboo amongst the three of them. One which nobody knew the reason for.

"Aminah, I think it's good that you're finally talking about him." Elisabeth said as warmly as she could but Aminah's face stayed unreadable. "Maybe this means you can begin to move on, maybe you…"

"He died protecting me." A mutter escaped her lips as they contorted into a pained grimace. "But that was a dream, no one dies heroically in reality. Instead they die hopelessly running away until caught, with the only thing left of them being a bloody torn up cloak." She tried to hide any evidence of pain in her voice but to no avail, stoicism was never something she was good at.

"I am a coward Elisabeth." Her voice shook and throat burned but no tears came, she didn't have any more to shed. "He's been gone for three years and I can't get on with my life."

"It's not just him is it?" Elisabeth said; correctly so. The whole purpose of this talk was to let out everything but still, Aminah was stubbornly locking things away. It was time for that to stop. It was stupid to hold her pain in and unleashing it would hurt but leaving it there would be even more agonizing.

"Yes. It's been Kaya, my Father, and even my Mother." Bowing her head, she sighed. Shielding her face behind a messy curtain of hair, while refusing to look back up; she stared at her ring. Instead of the comfort it usually brought; the cold metal now seemed to mock her. "It's the choice I made, I shouldn't have done it." The past cannot be undone and this had been another thing to keep dragging Aminah back into grief.

"Aminah, you really need to patch things up with your mom." Aminah furrowed her brows at the idea but still agreed, she nodded her head. Elisabeth reached over and tucked the hair concealing Aminah's face behind her ear. She still didn't raise her head, Elisabeth laid a hand on her shoulder.

"Look, you made the ri..."

"Please, please don't start with that." Exhaling; Elisabeth gripped Aminah's shoulder a little bit harder. She felt stupid for saying that, they had been down this road too many times and neither of them wanted to ride back down it.

"Aminah, please look at me." Aminah responded to the gentle request. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I'm not entitled to tell you if what you did was right, or say how you should feel. But I do want you to listen very closely to me."

"We can't control everything that happens to us, all we can do is maneuver around every obstacle in the way to the best of our abilities. In life we all have to make tough decisions. Sometimes you'll make the right choice and sometimes you'll make the wrong one. But there are times where the situation is so complicated and grey; that there is no right answer."

"You have to live with the choices you make and you can never change the way you feel about most of them. But when you make a choice were right and wrong don't exist, you have two options. You can either let it go and move on with life or allow it to haunt you and continue to drag it around."

"But I can't." Aminah whispered, her voice made it sound like she was on the verge of tears but her eyes remained red and perfectly dry. Elisabeth gave her a look that meant she was deadly serious, she wasn't going to let this talk fail without making some progress.

"I want you to think about why you regret your decision. You didn't used to talk about this like it was the worst thing you've ever done, not until Christophe died." Aminah went wide eyed, quickly placing a hand on her abdomen as sharp pain stung in her hips. _Am I imagining things, did I get my period? Why? why am I in pain?_ Sweat poured down from her forehead and she shook.

"Aminah, you have a choice. You'll always have one. So I suggest you choose happiness." She felt unraveled, striped to her very core and left utterly vulnerable. For the first time in three years, Elisabeth had spoken words she could not deny; no matter how hard she'd fight them.

Elisabeth's hand left her shoulder. She stood there with her arms folded, Aminah exhaled loudly. "What have I done with my life?"

"What do you mean, 'what have I done with my life'?" Elisabeth asked a bit disconcerted. "Look, if you actually want to transfer, I'll still support you."

"For the last time I am not transferring, so stop bringing it up. It's just... I'm starting to wonder if joining the military was a mistake." At this point; Aminah wondered whether or not the past six years of her life had just been a series of mistakes. She stopped with the stargazing and brought her eyes down to earth, fixating on the gift that rested upon her finger.

"Why have you been thinking that? I thought you were happy here and that you joined because your dream was to become a scout." Elisabeth paused, although contained; something about her seemed distressed. "I know it's been hard lately, with the incident but we'll get through it, together." Her hoarse voice cracked

"Elisabeth, this is something I have been thinking about for months before the attack. This is nothing new and the dream just made the subject more relevant." She calmly said. But the tone in Elisabeth's voice worried Aminah, and it soon became apparent that she too was in need of some consolation. Once again it was something she didn't want to discuss but this time she would be doing it for the sake of a friend.

"Elisabeth, how have you been dealing with it? With the incident?" Aminah asked gently, she didn't want to seem pushy.

"I'm usually fine." She started calmly but within a few seconds her speech grew faster. "It's just sometimes I just zone out and all I can see is the you lying in a pool of blood with that thing on top of you…" Elisabeth stopped to catch her breath after the frantic string of words. "Sorry, I trailed off, you know what I mean."

"No need to apologize. But are you sure there's nothing else?" Aminah questioned even though she probably knew the answer. Elisabeth wasn't really the kind of person to try and hide their emotions, she had always been pretty open about them. That was always one thing that kept both Aminah and Dave sane.

"Yeah that's it, but it's still going to take time. Right now the world feels like it's in some perpetual overcast, everything seems darker now." Her breaths became more erratic as she clearly tried to fight off tears. "I can't imagine what Dave is going through. I'm scared now, to make new friends, to be in a relationship."

"Because it seems like these days everyone you love is doomed to die. I've seen what the aftermath looks like. With…you, and with others." She was openly crying now and making no attempt to rein it in. Aminah wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

After a few minutes; Elisabeth stopped. Her eyes were still irritated and glassy but the crying had stopped. Elisabeth gave Aminah a weak smile; and in return she did the same.

"Aminah, why did you join the military?" Elisabeth uncomfortably muttered.

"I wanted to live Kaya's dream for her. But I also joined too free myself from the mundane and sheltered life that had been chosen for me. I was sick of being 'perfect', of being restrained, of always being scared, and of concealing who I was."

"You may find it hard to believe but I had always dreaded graduation. I was afraid of going into the Survey Corps. I thought that I was going to die in three years, and for so long it felt like an obligation that I had chained myself too; only to later wish I could cut my leg off as a means of escape. Until I got to know Christophe."

"Just the way he spoke. And how he always talked so passionately about what it meant to be free. It made me no longer fear the monsters beyond the walls but instead wish to run outside of them."

"When we were together; I allowed the chains to crumble. I wanted to join, this time out of my own free will. Yet; I had promised my mother that I wouldn't."

Aminah spoke coolly despite the ache in her chest. "Then you know what I did on the night of the choosing ceremony. I have to face it; I haven't made a single decision for myself since the day I turned twelve." Aminah's ghost of a smile had now turned into a melancholy grin.

She chuckled bitterly and looked into her concerned friend's eyes. "Let's face it Elisabeth; I'm nothing more than a pawn and a coward, people will always make decisions for me and I will never have free will." Her face changed from scornful to solemn in the blink of an eye. "It will never change." She almost whispered.

Placing her hands on Aminah's shoulders. Griping the left one tightly while simply resting her hand on the wounded right, she then shook the left one; instantly catching Aminah's attention.

"Listen," her voice was firm "what kind of coward pushes their friend out of the way of a titan, knowing full well they'll be attacked. No one told you to do that, you acted on your own." She took her hand off Aminah's shoulder and pressed it against her own face. "Aminah, you could never be a pawn; you're too smart and strong for that." She looked surprised as if she couldn't quite comprehend what Elisabeth had just said.

Once the words were fully absorbed; Aminah actually began to calm down. She sighed, thinking of all the 'if's' in her life. "Elisabeth… I just wonder what would have happened if I had joined the Corps?"

"You'd be dead." Even though the idea horrified her; Elisabeth grinned cheekily and to her surprise a warm smile crossed Aminah's face. Strange how a morbid joke could brighten one's spirit.

"Sometimes I feel like I don't belong here. When I was young I wanted to study titans and here I am, doing the complete opposite. How can you learn anything about them if you just kill them?" Aminah reminisced as she recalled the times Mr. Cline had shared his own theories with her. Elisabeth seemed puzzled by the unfading warm look on Aminah's face as she spoke of the beasts.

"I know it's an absurd idea but I was always at the top of my class. And if I had continued my education; it could have been possible for me to become a scientist, although I probably wouldn't be studying titans. I don't think anyone outside of the Survey Corps is allowed to."

"Wait... those things fascinate you? Aminah I know you have that friend to all living things vibe going on but… titans? Do you really think that you can become some kind of titan whisperer? One tried to eat you. I hate to break it to ya, but titans don't work that way."

Any heaviness left lingering inside Aminah vanished in that moment. She began to laugh hysterically.

"Oh Elisabeth, do I really remind you so much of those foolish maidens you read about as a child? Of course I know titans are mindless, that's actually one of the things I find fascinating about them. Did you honestly think I'd want to befriend one?" She paused. "Like you said, one tried to eat me, for no reason."

"I don't know what goes on in your head. Your thing for dangerous animals can get a bit out of hand so you wanting to become buddies with a titan didn't seem like too much of a stretch, although that would mean you've gone off the deep end. Like, how do I know that you aren't going to run off and join the Survey Corps so you can study Jaeger just to feed your titan fetish without the risk of being eaten? And while there; you'll secretly hope he'll become your best friend so you can gloriously ride upon his mighty titan shoulders." Elisabeth said as both a defense and an excuse to poke some fun at her friend.

"Really?" She replied with a raised brow and an impassive look. "A titan fetish…they are disgusting. I'm surprised you didn't make some sick joke about getting eaten out. Where do you even get these ideas?" Aminah tried to say with a straight face but with Elisabeth's manic laughter; it was difficult for her to do so.

"Ha, I missed out on an opportunity, I'll remember that one. Okay, whatever you say princess. But the day you bring home a titan; I'll say I told so." Rolling her eyes; she unwillingly let out a small chuckle even though a feeling of disgust rouse in her stomach at the idea.

"Ugh, that's just wrong, you're going to make me vomit if you keep this up." Although Aminah was still smiling; Elisabeth stopped for her sake. And joking aside; her amusement began to fade as she started to think a little more seriously.

She noticed that Elisabeth was looking at her bandages and recoiled away from her friend's worried gaze. "Oh, I forgot to mention that these can come off tomorrow, permanently." Those blue eyes where soft yet full of concern, Aminah sighed. She desperately wanted to calm them but as usual; she had no idea how.

"Aminah, can you even face them again? With everything that's been happening it's not like you'll have a choice. They will come back." Aminah lifted her head back to look at the stars as if they could pull her from reality. But no such thing could happen, so she did what she had to.

"I can, I have to." She spoke so softly that it was almost a whisper.

"No you don't, eyes on me." She commanded, slightly startled; Aminah quickly turned to face the blonde. "No one is going to make you do anything. You were just talking about how you haven't made a choice for yourself in years."

"Well guess what, now is the perfect time to start living for yourself. Stop thinking about pleasing the dead, missing, and estranged because they're not here. If you don't want to be a pawn; don't play anyone else's game. No one else matters if you're not happy with yourself. And don't you dare try to please me or Dave, just do what makes you happy."

It was painful to hear Elisabeth speak about her loved ones like that but she knew it was true and for once; she accepted the fact immediately. The time was coming when she would have to stop carrying the dreams of others and live for herself. It's inevitable but that's not the point, it's whether or not she would be able to accomplish this on her own or be forced into it.

"Your right I need to stop following the dreams of ghosts. For a while I thought I was happy here and maybe I will be but… I'm just so confused. And I have no idea what to do with my life." She frustratedly ran her hands though her tangled hair.

"You're eighteen, of course you don't know what to do with your life. Hell, I don't really know what to do with mine. You, me, and Dave; are just young bastards looking for their place in the world. Look at it this way, you have a long time to recover and you'll have plenty of time to sort this out. And if you need help I'm here." There was silence between them for about a minute until Aminah calmly broke it.

"I want to help people."

"Why don't I suggest a compromise?" Aminah's interest piqued. "Maybe you should consider training to becoming a field medic, this way you don't have to leave the Garrison and you won't have to fight titans up close unless it's absolutely necessary."

"Plus you already know a crap ton of stuff about medicinal herbs. And I remember how you picked up first aid training so fast that I was starting to believe that you were going to give everyone physicals. Also if you become a medic you can annoy people all you want about head injuries." A soft chuckle escaped the blonde's lips, apparently Elisabeth wasn't going let her live that down anytime soon.

"I'll consider it." It was a good idea and she wasn't bluffing about it either. She shifted a bit in the grass make herself more comfortable. Aminah made no use of her right arm, instead she kept it glued to her side to keep away the pain in in her shoulder, to keep away the memories, and to simply keep a part of her safe.

"So… I got a letter back from Selena." Elisabeth stated in an awkwardly casual tone. Despite this Aminah felt a bizarre and sudden sense of relief. What did she need relief from? She had no idea and hadn't even thought of Selena.

They were only acquaintances in the purest sense of the word but the knowledge that her fellow trainee's heart was still beating did fill her with an infinitesimal amount of hope. "How is our best girl?"

"Well as you already guessed; alive, she's unharmed too. I wrote to her after I started hearing rumors about the excursion beyond the wall. I asked if she was alright and if the rumors were true. When I read it my suspicions were confirmed, Selena said that yes the Survey Corps, Garrison, and Military Police went beyond the wall and that yes; sixty percent of them didn't come back. She said she was lucky not to have been there or else and I quote; 'some trivial rank, no matter how high; means nothing in the middle of a blood bath'."

"Still as blunt as ever, and right. Does she know why this happened?"

"Yeah, and she can't tell me about it for now but she also wrote; 'you will learn soon enough and watch your back, wolves disguised as dogs may walk beside you'. Why does that girl always have to be so cryptic? I think it means spies but who knows; maybe she just means backstabbers." It was frustrating to essentially have an inside source and still not have any clear answers. What information could possibly be so mind blowing that it was worth withholding from at least two-thirds of the military for this long?

"Why are they keeping us in the dark? If something that bad happened; wouldn't it be better for us all to know so we can prevent an incident like this from happening again?"

"I don't know but it's clear that it must be important since Selena made me burn the letter. It's getting pretty late; do you think can you go back to sleep?" She could care less about rest when at the moment her mind was racing with possibilities.

"I think. If I have another episode; dump water on me." Elisabeth nodded in agreement.

"Okay, do you want me to wake you up before we leave?" Elisabeth said as she hopped from her grassy seat.

"No, wake me up at the same time as usual." Slowly, she pulled herself up; using the tree for support. The fire inside of her ribs had started up again, Aminah thought she would be used to the pain by now but she had found out that was just hopeless dreaming. Slightly hunched over and with ground teeth, she made her way towards Elisabeth. Who then took Aminah's left arm to give her support.

"You should really lay down." Aminah smiled in amusement at the comment as they made their way back. _Says the girl who won't get her head checked._

Once they were back inside of the building; Aminah stopped dead in her tracks at the sight of the darkened nearly pitch black hallway. Not a single lantern was lit, a dagger-like chill ran up her spine as those dead blue eyes flashed before her. "Great, they blew out the lights already." Elisabeth said nonchalantly, Aminah collapsed then scurried to the door. In that moment she had forgotten where she was and what she had been doing, now the only thing that mattered was escaping.

"Aminah, Aminah! Look at me." Elisabeth got on the floor and grabbed the frightened girl's face; forcing Aminah to only look at her. "Nothing's here, your safe." She stopped moving, tears began streaming from her eyes.

Elisabeth embraced her. And for a second the sound of her cries stopped. "Elisabeth, dogs came from wolves." Aminah said out of nowhere. Elisabeth pulled back and looked at her with confusion.

"It's easy to see because they look alike."

"Where is this coming from?" Aminah placed her hand on her cheek.

"Elisabeth, why do you think titans look like people?" Her nails began to rake the flesh of her cheek. Coming close to breaking the skin. Elisabeth pulled her hand away from her cheek and sat there for a minute, horrified at her words.

"Aminah… never talk of this." She nodded, Elisabeth sighed and helped Aminah back onto her feet.

They remained in silence for the rest of their walk. It wasn't until they had returned to their room and crawled back into their bunk when they finally spoke. "Night."

"Goodnight." Aminah laid awake for most of the night. Her thoughts continuously biting at her. Unable to find relief from all the possible truths and horrors playing through her mind.

* * *

Early morning came and with it; the permanent removal of the bandages that had been cocooning Aminah's torso for nearly two weeks. Her skin numbed as the sweaty cloth was pulled from her bare skin. Elisabeth was being very meticulous about their removal, too much so. Her slow, tentative work made Aminah find the process both vexing and tedious. Assuming this was either because Elisabeth was afraid of hurting her sensitive skin or that the scars were incredibly horrific and this was an attempt to delay her first good look.

Since none of those things bothered Aminah, she figured it was time to speak her mind.

"Elisabeth, could you stop procrastinating. We have been sitting here for ten minutes and you've only unwrapped half of my shoulder, it doesn't hurt and I don't care what it looks like." Aminah said tiredly. "If you're going to sit and loiter; then I'll go to the bathroom and do it myself." She rolled her head to the side to meet Elisabeth's equally tired face and raised a questioning brow.

"Fine, this is what I get for being considerate." The blonde mumbled, sounding slightly hurt as she began to unwrap at a much faster pace.

"And I thank you for your consideration." Drawling the facetious comment slightly. "If you hadn't volunteered to help me then I would be contorting in the bathroom instead of sitting on my lovely bed." Elisabeth snickered and patted her bicep, finishing unwrapping Aminah's Shoulder and arm.

"It sure is lovely. Are you sure it doesn't hurt if I go fast?"

"No, it's not painful, just numb. Even if it did; I would be fine, I've gone through worse. You worry too much." After releasing a heavy sigh; Elisabeth proceeded with removing the remaining bandages around her ribs. Moving her hands swiftly and gently to make sure she didn't accidently jab Aminah in the side.

There was a light click at the door, both girls raised their heads in anticipation once they heard the sound. When opened; Dave walked in carrying several letters. "Hey, I'll just put these on the table." He said brightly, surprisingly out of the three of them; Dave was the morning person.

"Hey" Aminah and Elisabeth said in unison. After setting the mail on his bunk; he walked over to the girls. Sitting down on the floor parallel to Aminah, he greeted her with a weak but sincere smile. Clapping his hands together; he asked-

"So, how's everything going?" Elisabeth was done unwrapping the bandages around her upper ribs.

"Pretty well, even though Elisabeth decided to take forever unwrapping my shoulder." Aminah gave her a playful nudge with her elbow.

"Hey, I'm working here, don't distract me!" Elisabeth replied friskily, she began to unwrap the last three strands of fabric around Aminah's waist.

"Did you get any sleep last night?" Dave asked.

"It took me awhile but I finally fell asleep and thankfully had no more dreams. I'm really sorry for punching you last night, I didn't…"

"I know it's not your fault so don't blame yourself. So, how did your talk with Elisabeth go? That is if you two _talked_ at all?" Without warning; the final bandage came off. It was freeing yet she also felt insecure without it.

"It went well. I said what I needed too and Elisabeth suggested that maybe I should go back and study field medicine. I'll consider it." The young soldier's expression shifted as quickly as the wind, a clear sky one moment, a stormy gray the next. And once the clouds roll in, you know it's going to rain.

"Dave" She paused fretfully. "I think it's time I told you something. Something only Elisabeth and I know about. I think that at least telling one other person I trust would be good for me."

"Hey, they're all off!" In one audacious sentence; Elisabeth interrupted their 'little' chat and began patting her friend's left shoulder rather hard. She had now unknowingly set off a wave of intense irritation within Aminah.

She, without a doubt knew that Elisabeth had done that on purpose and it vexed her to no end. 'Choose happiness' she said. Well that was her intention, what she was trying to work towards but instead her friend decided to be a hypocrite. Despite the aggravation, Aminah pretended like it was nothing.

"Oh, I didn't even notice." She lied and got up on her feet; shaky and slow. Dave offered a hand in assistance but Aminah politely declined, after one final wobbly step; she rose to her full height. Aminah was amazed that there was no pain at the moment, she stepped in a spot where both of them could see her. "So how bad is it?"

Her voice was oddly upbeat. Elisabeth stood up too, looking clueless at it. The scar was huge; running a quarter of the way up the right side of her neck, down her shoulder and midway to her arm. Nearly half of her chest was scared; including her breast. It continued down the right side of her torso as it narrowed until stopping at the waist.

"Damn, that's big. You'll look like a complete badass when it's fully healed." Of course Dave would end up making a complement about the macabre, it was something that never bothered him and something he was used to. Aminah's seemingly high spirt did not fade at the remark but only seemed to grow stronger.

"That's nice to hear. Maybe I should leave everything behind, paint myself and run through the forest; declaring myself as queen of the woodland creatures. If so, would you be my knight?" It was both lighthearted and sarcastic but something in it, something indescribable lingered in Aminah. She had no clue as to why a silly comment suddenly started turning the wheels in her head, but she wanted to know.

"Sure, I always wanted to be special. So yes, come and whisk me away from here and we'll conquer every mountain within these cages and then humanity." He deadpanned the entire way through. To most; it would seem as if he were bored or just being snide. But those who knew him closely were aware that he was just like this half the time and that it usually meant he was relaxed.

"Hey Miss warrior princess, put a shirt on." Elisabeth said, this certainly was no issue of modesty. Aminah could easily see the pain in her eyes. She knew Elisabeth was just searching for an excuse to stop looking at the thing.

Aminah got up and pulled a shirt out of her bag under the bunk. "Hey Aminah, after you're done with that; why don't you come open the mail with me. You have a letter from Rose." He said as he got up and tossed a letter to Elisabeth. She immediately felt antsy as her mind raced with hundreds of thoughts. Aminah always felt like this whenever she got a letter from Rose, which was quite often.

Although the logical side of her brain told her that this letter was like every other, she couldn't help but hope that Rose had found information on Kaya.

"Okay." She said after quickly putting on a forest green; long sleeve button up shirt. Aminah joined Dave on his bunk, looking across the room she saw Elisabeth squinting but yet completely engaged in a letter that was most likely from her parents.

And there it laid upon a mess of sheets. With a deep breath she took the letter addressed to her and opened it.

_Dear Aminah_

_I'm sorry I haven't written to you in a while, it's just that work has been stressful and I keep forgetting. I'm pretty bad about that, forgive me. How am I doing? Well you probably know where this is going as evident by the first sentence so I'll try to make it quick._

_It's been real shitty. My boss keeps asking me why I always volunteer to take on the human trafficking cases. I haven't told him, the last thing that bugger needs to know is anything personal. So when he asks I say: the underground fascinates me. It's a steaming pile of rubbish and now he has his cronies watching me like hawk, mostly likely because he thinks I have gang connections since I spend so much time there._

_I don't understand how they could suspect me of being a hoodlum? Alright, I understand that my height and reputation for breaking arms (of people who try to stab, shoot, or strangle me; may I add) might make me seem like a loose cannon but I have a clean record for heaven's sake! You know it's sad when I look like a saint compared to half the Military Police._

_Rant over. Barton is doing good, his wife is pregnant, they're hoping for a son. He won't shut up about it; but it's kind of adorable. He's a good partner, respects my space, doesn't try to pry personal information out of me, and he's kind. I hope they keep us together, the last thing I want is another Ivan._

_So, enough about me. How are you doing? Getting enough sleep, I hope. Have you seen anything interesting wandering about in Maria, if so I would love to hear._

_Aminah, I know things have been hard for you and I want to help. So I have a surprise._

_Do to the extreme amount of stress my profession has caused, I have decided to take some time off work. I'm leaving the second to visit my parents and I'll be staying there for two weeks. If you so happen to need time off or just happen to have free time, you are welcome to stay with us._

_I wish it were possible to take more time off. Then I could have simply stopped by instead but they're keeping me busy here. It will be great to see them; I miss them so much. It's almost hard to believe that it's been a year since I last saw them and even longer since I've seen you. I miss you too and I'm sorry I haven't been able to visit._

_I don't have many friends here but I guess that doesn't matter; I have a few good ones. About half of the military police are shallow but there are good people here, they're just harder to find. I miss are chats about B.T.W., obviously you can't talk about that out loud in Sina or you'll be thrown in jail._

_I know if this world had been kinder, so many things could have been different for us. Life isn't kind. In fact; it's all just a bloody mess. But it is all we'll ever get so we have to help each other through it._

_What I'm trying to say is; I just want you to know that if you need help, I'll be here for you. Because in my eyes, you are family too._

_And my house is your house._

Aminah sat the letter down and sank into the bunk, trying to process everything she had just read. "So, was it good news or bad news?" He asked straight-faced.

"It was okay news in general, I think. Rose isn't having much fun with her job to say the least. But I guess there is good news for me. She's visiting her parents for two weeks." An air of excitement now sang from her voice as she struggled to contain her grin.

"They live in the town I practically grew up in." Elisabeth took notice of the change in tone and smiled as she seemed to know where this heading. Setting her letter down, Elisabeth shifted her gaze to the surprisingly giddy Aminah.

"You sound awfully happy all of a sudden. So Aminah, what is it that you're thinking about?"

"She invited me to stay with her, I'm going." That was certainly not the response Elisabeth had been expecting, and it showed.

"She's leaving on the second; that's three days from now. If I take the ferry it's a five-day trip, so I can catch up with her if I leave in five to seven days." She started clutching her hands together, squeezing them so tightly that her knuckles turned white. Her green eyes drifted back to the messy sheets, she couldn't hold it in for much longer.

"Aminah, I wonder if you're even in good enough shape to travel. Hell, you I see you wince whenever you walk." Elisabeth's tone wasn't defensive per say, instead it was strangely monotone. For her at least.

"Elisabeth, while traveling; I will do nothing more than sit the entire time. That's hardly strenuous." She spoke softly, still refraining from looking at either of them.

"She's right Elisabeth. Riding in a carriage and on a ferry isn't going to hurt her, unless there's some kind of terrible accident. Then are little buddy would be screwed." The fact that Dave had just referred to her as 'little' when in reality he was only two centimeters taller than her was almost enough to make her laugh, almost. Though Elisabeth at least got a decent chuckle from it.

"Always the ray of sunshine, aren't you Dave." In one incredibly abrupt motion; Aminah raised her head and looked them both in the eyes.

"I am not going to stay at Rose's house for long. I will stay at my family's old home." The words rolled off her tongue so fast that Elisabeth and Dave almost didn't catch them. But once it hit them; it was clear they were stunned.

"Whoa… wait, what?" A twitch went off in Elisabeth's left eye. "I misheard you, right? You mean that you're staying with your mother and grandfather, but don't they live far away from there?" It was clear that with each word she spoke; Elisabeth became more distraught.

Rambling and asking questions she already knew the answer to but simply didn't wish to believe. On the other hand, Dave was wide-eyed and unmoving; almost as if he were in a state of shock, staring at Aminah like she had just spoken a different langue. So far this was going very poorly.

Finally shaking off the shock of it all; Dave started to speak. "Your family's old house, the hour away from the nearest town and in the woods house." It was definitely not a question; she knew he understood her. And to her; his statement had sounded like an accusation, Aminah knew she would have to hold her ground firmly.

"Yes Dave. That house." She addressed him formally; much to his discontent. But before he could protest; Elisabeth jumped in.

"Ha! Are you crazy? Out that far in the woods you'd be lucky if someone heard you scream. And trust me, if you went out there alone you'd need to be a good screamer to have any chance of someone finding you. Aminah, ask yourself this; how is a girl with two unhealed ribs and a bad shoulder going to survive on her own in a most likely dilapidated house with no mode of transportation if she's injured?" Her words were bitter, dry, and wrapped in venom all at once but they were the truth.

"My house is not too far from the road. Chances are that if I were to scream; it would be heard relatively easily and without the need for an impressive set of lungs." Aminah replied stone faced. This only seemed to tick Elisabeth off even more.

"Aminah, take a good look at yourself. You're not strong enough." It was all but a stoic hush yet that was everything needed to set off a storm.

Pressing her hands against the mattress, she slowly got out of her seat. Although difficult; she kept a straight back and then proceeded to glare down at Elisabeth. Whom seemed to be pondering whether or not to also stand.

"How kind of you, Elisabeth." She said in what was almost a whisper. "That you try to keep me safe by way of rudeness. But you can't keep a leash on me forever." Cynicism was now dripping from her voice.

"I can take care of myself and I do not need your protection. Also, thank you so much for interrupting me earlier. That was such a kind thing to do, protecting me from my own fragile mind. Stop pretending like you know everything that's good for me, you are not a doctor and you are sure as hell not my mother." She sternly barked, the duo flinched from being caught off guard by the mood whiplash, Dave quickly recovered and continued watch her intensely.

"You told me to start making decisions for myself. Guess what? I'm making one right now. Isn't that a part of growing up? Making your own choices and learning from them, even if you do fail?"

"I'm tired of being the little girl, so I will try my hardest to let her go and grow up. But my question to you Elisabeth; is whether or not you'll join me or attempt to drag me?" The bitterness was gone, and in its place a cold unreadable voice.

No one knew how to react to this, not even Aminah herself. So an awkward silence filled the room, leaving everyone alone with only the sound of their thoughts. Elisabeth was about to stand when Dave broke the silence. "Elisabeth, let her go. If I can't talk her into joining the Military Police than you won't have any luck talking her out of this."

"Aminah, just tell me why you want to stay there?" H asked, she whipped her head around and stared at him like a spooked animal. The question was something she clearly hadn't been expecting and probably didn't really know how to answer.

Eyes now heavy; she lowered herself back into the creaking bunk. Placing her hands along the sides of her head, she began get lost in her mind. Why did she wish to take on such an insane and dangerous task? Aminah believed that time alone would help clear her mind but she also knew that there was no need to stay at her old house for that, so what did she want? Aminah wasn't sure herself but something inside longed for isolation, for wide spaces, for no boundaries, and for independence.

Aminah sighed and forced her eyes wide open, removing her hands from her head. Looking to Dave; her features instantly softened. Out of the corner of her eye she caught a quick glance of Elisabeth, her face was flushed but overall she was reasonably calm. One deep breath and the brush of a small strand of hair from her temple, Aminah fought for herself.

"I have been trapped here for too long, I need to get away. Not just from here but from people. For the first time in years, I wish to go at the very least a week without being belittled for who I am. I want people to stop treating me like I'm an outsider…or even less than human. There are so many things I need to let go of and I think returning to my roots is a start."

"To be honest; I don't really know what I'm doing or what I want to do with my life. But I do know that there are three things I need to do. I must learn how to be independent, you two won't always be around to act my crutch when I go dark. And to keep myself from going dark so often, I need to start moving on, if I want a good future; I have to stop standing in the past. The most important thing I need to do…what I want to do, is prove to myself that I can be strong, I need that more than anything."

When finished she felt as if the wind had been knocked out of her. It was over, she said it, there was nothing else left to say. If Dave disapproved and Elisabeth was still in the same position; it wouldn't matter to her. For what was likely the first time in her life, she was determined to do something completely selfish and not care about the consequences.

She looked back at Elisabeth, stone faced with an unrested look. She appeared as if she might just get up and leave. But she did nether and instead locked eyes with Aminah. The stare wasn't exactly intense per say, since Elisabeth did look like she could fall asleep within ten minutes but there was a hollowness inside those eyes that was unsettling.

"I can't fight you." It was so sudden, so soft, that it seemed to come out of nowhere but Elisabeth's lips had barely moved to say it. A few seconds passed and nothing else came. The uneasy silence was getting to all of them, and Unsure of what to do; Aminah thought of trying to reassure her friends but mostly Elisabeth, that she would be fine.

"Please don't worry about me, I will not carelessly throw my body around. It's the only one I have so I would like to keep to fully functional. In order to prevent unnecessary stress on it; I shall leave in six days. This way it will allow my body some time extra time to heal and I won't have to rush."

"Elisabeth, Dave; if my house is sound and I am physicality capable of staying there, then I must tell you that I may be gone for months. This mind of mine is like a shattered mirror. Putting the pieces back together may cut me but if I leave it broken, there will be nothing more than a distorted image that over time; will vanish into nothingness."

She paused for a moment, taking in their dejected expressions. Aminah found that it was growing increasingly harder to maintain the austere facade as vulnerability had arisen back into her voice. In spite of her weakness; she pushed herself to make a closing statement. "I'm sorry, but it's time for me to take control of my life." Across the room an eerie smile spread across Elisabeth's face, then she let out a quiet, sardonic laugh.

"You've grown even more then I've realized, but you always were stronger than you let on." Although if taken out of context; the words would seem like praise, but here there was an underlining bitterness to them. "Your right I can't control you, so go do whatever the hell you want. Just remember who will be at your funeral if you end up dead." She rose from the floor, swinging her bag around her back and then proceeding to walk to the other bunk. Simultaneously, she placed a hand on one of Dave's and Aminah's shoulders but looked at neither of them.

"I'm heading in early, there's somethings I need to attend to." She stated calmly but with absolutely no attempt to hide the venom in her voice. Still not bothering to look at them, she jerked her hands off their shoulders and swiftly walked out. Aminah and Dave looked at each other shocked, they knew that this meant she was really angry.

"Holly shit, you really pissed her off." He exhaled, Aminah's perfect posture deflated. She slumped over on the bed and buried her face in her hands.

"Mmmmhhhh…. What have I done? I shouldn't have talked to her like that, she hates me now." Dave scooted closer to her. He hesitantly and awkwardly; lifted his hands up and placed them on her shoulders.

"Calm down, calm down, she doesn't hate you, she's really pissed off at you right now but she'll get over it. Give her a few hours to blow it off and she'll probably be over it by the time she's home." Aminah's eyes dulled down a bit, exhaustion taking over anxiety. Dave's hands slid off of her.

"So you're doing this?" He sighed and rested a hand on his forehead.

"Yes"

"I won't stop you. But if you do go through with this, please promise me you won't do anything stupid." His voice was vacant, that bothered Aminah.

"I promise. Dave, thank you." He slowly looked back up as Aminah undid her braid.

"For what?" He crossed his arms.

"For giving me a chance."

"I found out you can't be manipulated into to joining the Military Police, so why bother starting an argument I know I'll lose." He gave a barely audible chuckle. "I can't control you and I shouldn't. I was a dick for trying to do that and I'm sorry."

"No need to apologize again, I forgave you yesterday." Looking down; a hint of sadness creeped into his faint smile.

"This reminds me of something Tom told me. He told me this the night before we chose are regiments. I didn't want you to join the Survey Corps, for obvious reasons. I had planned to try and scare you away from it but when Tom found out he dragged me into the storage room and started trying to convince me otherwise. In that cramped little room he said; 'if you truly love someone, you have to realize that you can't make decisions for them.'"

"So I did, but I guess I never needed to talk you out of it." There was a pause. "One day Elisabeth will realize that too but she just needs to be left alone for now. She'll come around, know that she's only acting this way because she's worried about you."

"She has a good reason to be worried. If you had confronted me that night, I probably would have joined out of pure spite like the stupid fifteen-year-old I was. And if I did; I don't think I'd be here today, so once again thank you, and to Tom." She awkwardly added. Aminah slowly reached out and grabbed Dave's hand, he in return wrapped his hand around hers.

"Aminah, what was it you were going to tell me earlier?" He curiously asked, such an innocent question; yet one that could bring so much sorrow. Her eyes became unfocused as they darted all around the room, trying to avoid his face. She was ready to tell him earlier because she'd spent all night mentally preparing for the situation and because Elisabeth had been there. Now she was exhausted and left alone by the only one who knew, she was in no mood to relive such a moment for the time being.

"I'm really sorry Dave; that I didn't get to tell you earlier. I think Elisabeth interrupted me on purpose, probably because she didn't want me to get worked up about it. Dave, I promise that when I return I'll tell you." He squeezed her hand gently and nodded, Aminah was glad he understood, she leaned in closer.

"It happened around the time Christophe died. Elisabeth's the only other person who knows about this and she was with me when it happened." Aminah's eyes became glassy but she fought off the urge to cry. "Dave, please promise you won't judge me when I tell you what I did."

Her voice was a pleading whimper, she looked on the verge of tears. He took his left hand and placed it over their already intertwined ones and began to stroke her wrist, the action was comforting. The urge to cry began to fade, although she still wore a melancholy look.

Aminah continued to stare at the sheets, so for some inexplicable reason; Dave poked her forehead. Immediately she jerked her head up and gave him a baffled look. The look on his face said that he instantly regretted getting her attention that way.

"Aminah, you know I'll never judge you, I never have and I never will." Aminah's other hand joined the mess of appendages. A faint smile crossed her lips at the fact that he was truthful. "There are things that I will tell you about… in time."

"Things that aren't good, things that still haunt me. I should have told you earlier. It's almost funny how Elisabeth is the only one who knows are dark secrets." His voice cracked.

"She knows a lot of secrets. I guess that makes her a dangerous person, but it also makes her perfect for protecting little people. Like us. If anyone tries to hurt us, she could probably blackmail them."

"Maybe she should be the one joining the Military Police, become their spy master and fuck with the minds of every corrupt little shit in power. Elisabeth often knows more about people than themselves. I mean, she knows more of my secrets then I do." He uncomfortably chuckled. "I've never understood why she's always stayed by my side."

"I often feel the same way. Until you two came along, I wasn't really used to having friends." The sides of her lips curled at the mere thought that she was lucky to not be alone. Although she often felt so, Aminah knew it wasn't true and couldn't be more grateful for that. It was a luxury many had lost in the cruel new age.

"What does she see in me? I don't do anything; I think I'm just burden from her past that she feels too guilty to dump. And I can't pay her back, even after all that she's done for me. I really am a bastard." His words had all came out mechanically, so devoid of life that it was almost painful to listen to.

"You owe nothing to no one." She replied with vigor, now Aminah seemed to have awakened from her sorrowful stupor. "What does she see in you? She sees a brave, loyal, and compassionate young man who is willing to put others before himself despite how difficult he may find it. She sees someone who will always tell the truth even if it's something no one wishes to hear but needs to."

"And what do I see in you; I see the first person who made an effort to try and know me, the first one who saw me as normal. I see someone who, no matter how scared he was; saved my life. How ungrateful of me, I forgot to thank you." If there was any pain; she mustn't have realized it as she rose out of the bed. Looking directly into his eyes; she pulled her left arm behind her back then stiffly rose the right, placing it across her chest with a fist over her heart.

"Thank you Dave, for giving me another chance at this life of mine." Tears were now dripping from her eyes. Dave got up and gently wrapped his arms around her, Aminah reciprocated.

"It's nothing." Was all he could say. Once parted; she oddly enough patted him on the head. Maybe it was retaliation for poking her forehead earlier but Dave didn't really seem to know or care.

"You're too hard on yourself." She uttered while slightly tousling his raven hair. Aminah removed her hand; much to Dave's relief, finally ending the bizarre gesture.

"So are you." Dave replied and in return receives an unexpected chuckle out of Aminah. The sentiment leaves a bit of light in the previously murky room. And he can't help but grin and unleash a muted laugh.

"I guess that's something we both need to work on." She lifted her hand up, only to move it out of place as she grabbed Dave's and put it in the same pose. "Today, let us make an oath. We shall no longer throw are selves pity parties nor wallow in the past, it is a new day; let us look to the horizon. Would you like to add anything?"

"Your highness needs to stop being a doormat who doubles as a dictionary and become a real girl." She raised an irked brow at him but that just amused Dave further. "I swear." She sighed heavily.

"Alright, then you must find a laxative to eliminate your emotional constipation." This received an over exaggerated eye roll from Dave, Aminah grinned at that. "Now, do you swear?"

"I swear." Aminah put her hand and back down and Dave gladly did the same. "So does this mean we'll finally get over are baggage? I like you and all but being a part of the teen angst club is a real downer."

"It's a start. That's why I'm leaving. I need to get in touch with myself and… become 'a real girl'." She sighed and went back to sit, her side was becoming sore again.

"Are you even prepared for this? You know you're going to need a lot more than a bag of clothes, you'll also need to go buy supplies. But right now, you're in no condition to be making frequent trips around town. And you need to rest, a lot." Luckily, Aminah knew how to get around this, that is if she could work her magic as a negotiator.

"Don't worry, I have this covered but I will need to ask you a few favors. I'm going to write a list of necessities and I'll give you the money you'll need to buy them." He gave her a look that could best be described as 'Really?' At this response; she gave him an uneasy smile in return. "In your free time of course."

She stuttered out of fear that he would reject her request. "You don't have to do it." Reverse phycology she thought could work in her favor, though probably not when you sound like someone has pointed a knife at you. Taking a deep breath, Aminah composed herself and continued.

"I know I'm not exactly in the position to be asking you favors. No, it should be the other way around. But..."

"Start writing, I have to leave soon. We'll go over it when I'm back." He said only to start walking away.

"Wait, you are helping me?" The confusion in her voice was so clear that Dave couldn't help but find it funny. She really had been expecting him to turn her down. He looked back to see her.

"Of course I am, isn't that what friends do? Even if they want to do something incredibly stupid. And don't worry about Elisabeth, I'll help smooth things over with her while I'm gone."

"Thank you, I guess I'll get started." Dave nodded and then began to put on his uniform.

He left about a half an hour later. After all that had transpired that morning; Aminah was glad to have some peace and quiet.

She left for the showers and to her luck no one else was present. She cared not for the frigid water beating her skin, all that mattered was washing away the lingering presence of death. Finally, after removing the awful smell of decay; Aminah stepped out of the shower and approached the mirror. She stood before it, naked, cold, and fragile; as if it were some omnipotent being watching her. Under its gaze she studied herself, a long powerful body that she could feel weaken more as each day pasted, jade green eyes like her fathers that could play pretend but in reality were always hollow, and now a massive scar.

In a way she didn't care but in others she did. She didn't care about looks but she also didn't want people constantly asking about how she got it. Actually, she never wanted a permanent reminder of the incident branded onto her body. It almost felt like she had been marked, it made her feel like someone had tried to take her identity away.

She shook those thoughts out of her head. She was sure that she had to be over thinking this. _Anyway, it's not like I was pretty in the first place._

Aminah spent the next half of her day writing down supplies, organizing clothes, and packing. She began planning for the long journey ahead of her. And if there was one thing she knew was undeniable; it would be that nothing is certain, not the duration of time she'd be gone, not her house, not even what she would do once there. She had no idea what she would find, all she hoped was that her life would change.


End file.
